Please Swipe Again.

GET ON IT

2011-03-20T15:07:00.011-04:00

Last week, I "relearned" a "valuable" lesson. I took it upon myself to say nice things about my latest project & also the people I work with & for. Nationally. Then I got yelled at. And then Diablo Cody, out of all the ex-stripper Oscar-winning screenwriters in the world, tweeted this:

"I think anyone who tries anything, ever, deserves to be buffeted with insults and abuse. They "put themselves out there," right? High five!"

I like it. The sarcasm is so thick I could slice off a piece, dip it in batter, and toast it, french-style. Which I did. And it was delicious. Also...organic maple syrup is way too expensive.

So I'm going to stop trying. At certain things. And focus on other things. Other things which I can only hope to get in trouble for at some point in the near future. Because like people who sometimes strip & write movies, I can make up quotes, too:

"Nobody ever succeeded by sitting on their hands & doing exactly what they were told."

Okay, not the most eloquent quote. Let me try this again:

"Sharks can't swim backward. If they do, they die."

Hm. Or this:

"Be average with a C average."

No, wait. That last one doesn't work at all. I guess my whole personal mission statement can be summed up by my latest & greatest catchphrase:

"Get on it."

You sort of say the "on" like "own." So it's something like "G-G-G-Get owwwwn it." It means to go with your gut. It means to trust yourself. And it means to try. Don't be like Jeremy Bonderman or Ian Snell (especially Ian Snell). Snip off the bullshit & try a little harder. Because not everybody does. Most people don't. And that's a good thing. Except when you get in trouble for trying because other people didn't try. But in the end, you DID try. You see what I'm trying to say?

And enjoy some toast from France every so often. Its such a nice treat after such a trying week.

METS 2011 OPENING DAY IMAGE

2011-03-15T20:28:00.009-04:00

Promo I did for upcoming Mets season. Used a whole mess of hi-res stills & pixel motion frame blending in After Effects. Additional animation by Luis Medrano. Music by Peer Gynt...or someone who remixed Peer Gynt. I like saying Peer Gynt.

OPERATION: BONDERMAN

2011-03-01T21:00:00.003-05:00

Mr. Bonderman,

Let me start off by saying I'm not a sports writer. Gross. Unlike those guys, I played competitive sports growing up and even went to college on an athletic scholarship. Okay, it was for track & field, but still. I also want to clarify that I haven't exactly followed your career under a microscope. I work for a team based in the National League, so the closest I've come to critiquing your game is through MLB the Show on PS3. All that being said...I think you're making a mistake by sitting out the 2011 season.

For some reason, the speculative tweet I read this morning about your current dilemma struck a chord. Following the speculation (which unfortunately about 80% of sports writing is (zing!)), it was written that either the free-agent offers you received this winter were not at the level you deemed acceptable OR that you don't have the energy for more rehabs and do not want to fight during spring training for a shot in a major league rotation. I don't want to believe, nor to I find acceptable, either of those reasons for taking a year off from your job. Tell me its for personal reasons, health reasons, that you don't have a love for the game anymore, or retire. There are many things that an individual can offer the world, and without a doubt your life extends well beyond pitching and baseball. But sitting out because you didn't find the offers to your liking? Sitting out because you don't want to be your best and compete to prove yourself? Unacceptable.

Now, before I continue to run my mouth like some smug jackass (too late?), I should let you know just a slice about me. I'm a mild-mannered video editor for a regional metropolitan sports network. So yes, I sit on my ass all day in front of a computer. I'm 29 and have been doing this for about 6 years. Its what I've always wanted to do. Getting to watch baseball, edit promos, short music videos, and be told that I'm pretty good at it...well, that's just fantastic. And like all people who get what they want, or are in the process of getting further with what they're good at, it was a lot of damn hard work. I took 2 years off after I graduated from college, so I started 2 years behind, and was reminded of it everyday. I lied my way into my first editing job and had to teach myself how to edit over that weekend. Long hours. Terrible content. Heartbreak (that's for another letter). Weight gain (sitting+tv+beer...we don't need a mathematician to crack that code). Six years later and I'm exactly where I want to be and can't wait to get to the next level and see what happens then. Huzzah. (One paragraph doesn't even begin to scratch the surface, but I'll save that for my unauthorized autobiography in 30 years).

I can't even imagine what it's like to be a baseball player. My brother was an All-American shortstop in college and I've never been more envious watching somebody else succeed. I threw a baseball against a radar gun once. 68mph. Straight fastball. Naturally, you have a gift. You're a professional athlete. And shoulder problems are no joke. 2010 was a year to forget, if you want to look at it that way. For me, every year is a year to forget, in the sense that the next year is going to be the year to crush it even more. I look back at my accomplishments from 2010 and kind of shudder. 2011 is the year for me right now. Right now I want to make 2010 look like a pile of puke. On top of 2009's pile. And such and such.

You were drafted after junior year of high school. You were the youngest opening day starter since Dwight Gooden. You made $12.5M last year. You're 28 freakin' years old. If the marathon has you bested, if the shoulder won't let you pitch anymore, then yes, hang 'em up. It sucks, and I can't even begin to image walking away from the game you love. But if it's because you weren't satisfied with the offers you were receiving? Because you can't find it in your heart to compete anymore? Well sir, that's a recipe for playing for the Cleveland Indians (it's 2011...I have nothing against the Indians. If this was last year, I'd say Diamondbacks. No hard feelings).

So Mr. Bonderman, and I call you Mr. even though I am technically your elder, I implore you to give 2011 a shot. Not for me. For baseball. The only way so many of us can get close to this game only results in being tackled or tased by portly security guards during the late innings of a reverse world series. Play the game because you can. Take a minor league deal with incentives (incentives which pee on my yearly salary). Compete. Crush it. Prove somebody wrong. Prove more people right. Do it because you can. Do it because you want to.
Now, I'm going to go play a round of MLB the Show to unwind. And I think I know who I'm going to pitch with tonight.

Wearing sweatpants,

Brett Hauze

BERNIE

2009-12-01T10:02:00.002-05:00

Loser Pie Pictures presents Bernie & Sweet Betty in "BERNIE"

Bernie created with love by Ashley.

Garden State Sucks.

2009-07-13T18:37:00.006-04:00

I get it.

No, I get it. You're in your mid-20's. You've fallen into what you can only relate to as a personal wasteland. You've moved away from home. You don't have a fulfilling job, or maybe even any job period. You've never had really good sex. You're white. When you break it down to its basics, take a step back for a hot minute....you've never really had any REAL problems.

Why haven't you had any real problems? Because you haven't tried. You've sat back and "observed." But let's be honest, you weren't even fucking paying attention, were you?

Garden State is the result of Zach Braff not really paying attention. You've got a roof over your head. You've got food on your table. There aren't any wars going on outside your window. Stop being a dickhead and man up for a fucking second. Shit.

If you're going to make a movie about a bunch of random bullshit and string it together to try and make it pretty, then make fucking Amelie. At least Jean-Pierre Jeunet established from that get-go that you, sir, have no chance in the slightest with Audrey Tautou. Yes, Amelie is a bunch of bullshit, too. But its a fairytale. Braff tries to make Garden State real. Dumb shit.

Braff's "Large" is an upper-middle class white man. Mom was in a wheelchair. Dad was a dickhead. Dad puts him on all kinds of drugs. Large takes them consistently for 10 years. Boarding school. Moves to LA. Mom drowns. In the tub. Suicide. Large comes home. Parties with some friends. Decides maybe he doesn't want to take the drugs anymore. Is tired of being "numb." Meets Natalie Portman at the doc's office. Over the course of about 11 or 12 inane set pieces, they fall in love. Almost a bullshit cop out sad ending, then a bullshit cop out happy ending. Yay.

FUCK this movie, man. I could probably write about 20 pages on all the bullshit that goes down throughout, but I'll limit it to the two things that bug me the most. No wait, three.

1. Andrew Largeman is an ACTOR. Are you kidding me? So, after the movie ends....he's in love with Natalie Portman. He's off the drugs. Mom's in the ground. His friends are bums, but one of them is a millionaire, so there's no real conflict there. So, eventually he's going back to LA, right? To be an actor? Because its been established that he's got no real life skills. What the fuck is he going to do? Hey Zach, are you saying that being an actor, pretending for a living, isn't important enough to continue to pursue? Because you're an actor, bro. I'll tell you what...after banging Natalie Portman for a few days, Andrew Largeman is getting back on that fucking plane and going back to LA. "Large" is the star of his own movie, like we all are...there's no fucking way this kid isn't a born actor. What, he's going to go back to school with Titembe, become a lawyer? CSI? Fuck off.

2. The working title of this movie was "Large's Ark." Really? How does that not register to you as the worst fucking title of all time? Oh right...because your masterful centerpiece of the movie...some fucking ark in the middle of a nonexistent canyon in north jersey. Who lives in this ark. Some dickhead and his wife and their asshole baby. This dickhead buys jewelry that has been delivered to him by graverobbers. But he gives it back to Large, so we're cool. And this dickhead just loves life, man. He loves living in the bottom of this hole in a boat with his family. Yeah yeah, I get it. You can be happy anywhere. Cool. But its the exchange between Large and this dickhead at the end of the scene:

"Hey dickhead [Albert], good luck exploring the infinite abyss."
"Thank you. And hey, you too."

What the fuck?! Boo-hoo middle-20's white boy, so now I'm going to try to have fun exploring my "infinite abyss." Fuck you. Oh my god, fuck you Zach Braff. How do we escape this infinite abyss...besides, of course, getting a fucking clue and getting off your ass?

3. Oh right, meet and bang and fall in love with Natalie Portman. The original "manic pixie dreamgirl." OH! So THAT'S how I escape my infinite abyss. My fucking horrible pointless life. Because she's got epilepsy and wears a helmet when she works and is obviously single. Here's a test: go out and find yourself a Natalie Portman manic pixie dreamgirl while you're in your mid-20's. Oh my god, she's amazing, she makes me think, she's charming and adorable and great in the sack. Perfect. Well, guess what...you've decided to hang back in Jersey for a while instead of going back to LA to act. Okay, so once all this bullshit, vacation-style amusement ends, real life starts back up. I'm going to tell you something...when everything settles down you're going to realize something: this bitch is crazy. Why is she single? Fate? Coincidence? A convenient plot point I? Yes, all of those things. Large is an actor, she's really eccentric, they're a match made in heaven. Gimme a fucking break. He's a dumb fuck, she's nuts...I give it a few months before they realize that they're both a couple of fucking losers and he goes back to LA. The end.

I'm amazed when I hear that so many people can relate to this movie. What about this movie is realistic? Your real life is in your hometown because of memories? I'll be fucked if I'm ever moving back to Phoenixville. There's a Natalie Portman out there somewhere for you? No, there isn't. Love is something you're going to have to seek out. Work for. Its not going to hump your leg in some fucking waiting room. People change. You've gotta adapt. Natalie Portman's character lives at home like a damn child. Zach Braff is an actor who just stopped taking the dope. But they find love. Huzzah! Problem solved!

PLEASE, Zach Braff, please make a sequel to Garden State. You can still call it Large's Ark. Or how about Largeman Almighty? Take that Season 7 Scrubs money and make shit happen, son.

I can't wait to find my manic pixie dreamgirl so I can have a sleep over with her and then never call her again. Because that bitch crazy.

Shake well, bitches.

MY FAVORITE SHEA MOMENT

2008-10-02T20:56:00.004-04:00

July 19, 2006. Before CitiField loomed behind the wall. Before Fernando Tatis. Before Ryan Church. Before I knew a god-damned thing about the Mets...that's when my favorite memory of Shea took place.

I figured I'd write one of these up since everyone else involved in NY sports is doing it. Yes, even though it sounds ridiculous and you refuse to believe it, I am indeed involved in NY sports.

So, July of 2006. Working a silly job for a silly mortgage company. We're there to shoot some winner of some contest (bet those mortgage companies aren't running any contests this year), so we have to shoot her getting her oversized check from Willie before the game starts.

So we spend a bit waiting around for this whole thing to start. I'm standing on the field, on the Mets logo behind home plate. The moment comes, we shoot the thing, mission accomplished. So everybody rushes off the field and I'm still stuck out there with my camera & tripod. Then I realize...I'm the only person standing on the field at that moment.

So I decide to stop, look around, and take it all in. The stands are packed. Both teams are in their dugouts, waiting for this idiot camera guy to get off home plate so they can start the game. I step back from my camera, take a deep breath, and let it all wash over me. Nothing spectacular...but still, pretty awesome. Standing on the field all by myself at Shea Stadium before a packed house. Like the Beatles. Oh, and I think the Mets did pretty well in 2006. But again...that was before I gave a damn.

Bonus: I got to hang out with the pretty PR girl before the game. I made her giggle. I'm a funny guy.

Now, I'm not a sore loser...

2008-09-26T17:56:00.003-04:00

A few months back (actually a few more than that), I slapped together a submission for some silly YouTube contest for Tide. I went out, shelled out $3 for the Tide product in question, came home and shot, edited, and posted my video in about 2 hours. Sure, there were reshoots, but it was before the submission deadline, so don't worry.

As the contest neared its conclusion, I checked out a few of the other submissions. Horrid. Really...not a good one in the bunch. The ones with nice production values had shit acting and writing. The ones with decent acting and passable writing had shit production values. Now, bear in mind that I spent a total of $3 on my video. The lighting was decent. The audio was audible. The acting was par at best. The premise was clever. Nothing original...but nothing unoriginal either. The contest rules stated that you didn't need to use the original stain voice. The contest rules stated that you could make up your own premise. I did both.

I lost. By a lot. At least 10 people beat me. So whatever, right? I do on to fight another day. I really didn't give a shit about the contest anyway, I was just bored one Sunday afternoon. My friends seem to think my video was funny, so cool, I'm happy with that.

But then I saw the winner. It aired during The Office last night. I almost threw up. Not because I wished it was MY video playing during the commercials (shit son, I've got commercials playing on TV all day everyday), its just the winning video was SO F-ING BAD, it made me lose my appetite (and being on a diet these days, its quite a vicious appetite).

So for shits, here's the winning video...followed by my submission. I won't quit my day job...because its the same damn thing.

Top Simpsons Bullshit Wrapup

2008-05-10T10:23:00.006-04:00

So, I'm not going to officially write up my remaining top 3 Simpsons episodes, but here they are, truncated, for your reading pleasure:

#3

Who Shot Mr. Burns (Parts 1 & 2)

Moment #3

"Where's Ranger McFadden?"

"I was just...so happy to see all these people..."

"Quiet you drunk. Where's Ranger McFadden?"

Lisa's Rival

Moment #2

"We the Purple? What the hell was that?"

Itchy & Scratchy Land

(yep, it was going to be Bart Sells His Soul, but upon further review, I had to go with this one)

Moment #1

"And here come the pretzels!"

"Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field pleading with the crowd for... for some kind of sanity."

"Uh-oh, and a barrage of pretzels now knocking Whitey unconscious."

"Wow. This is uh... This is a black day for baseball."

Top Simpsons #4

2008-04-04T09:55:00.005-04:00

Episode 2F05, original airdate 11/13/94
"Lisa on Ice"

This classic might not be higher on the list simply because of the fact that this is Deric's favorite episode of all time...and we know how I need to be original...even to the point of the Simpsons. Yes, I'm an idiot. But let's not dwell on that...let's dwell on this great episode...and my new love of ellipses...

"Now, here's your Action anchor: Kent Brockman."
"HELLO, I'M KENT BROCKMAN!!! Our top story tonight: a tremendous EXPLOSION...inthepriceoflumber. President Reagan dyes..........his hair. Plus, Garry Trudeau and his new musical comedy revue. But first! Let's check the death count from the killer storm bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow."
"Well, Kent, as of now the death count is zero. But it IS ready to shoot right up."
"Oh my God. Damn you snow!"

Like my #5 pick, this is a true Simpson's one-off story that never comes back to merrily haunt us in the future (unlike Lisa the Vegetarian). The Simpsons kids playing hockey? Absolute randomness that pays off in comedy spades.

"Me fail English? That's unpossible."

This episode has so many instant classic moments that I remember busting my proverbial gut to when I first saw it all those years ago. This came out in 1994...and is still funny today. And THAT is the definition of classic, my friends.

I'm sure another universal aspect of this ep has to do with Homer (once again, after Dead Putting Society in season 2) being the overbearing, horrible sports father (I'm sure there's a better phrase for that). While South Park may have taken the cake with this stereotypical, albeit quite true to life, portrayal of an overbearing father...

...but I think the scene of the Simpson family riding in the car on the way to Bart's hockey game is a groundbreaking one in the overall development of the humor and bite of the Simpsons writing. Homer tells Bart to remember to just have fun out there today..."but if you lose, I'll KILL YOU." And everybody laughs. But before the scene ends, Homer reminds Bart that he really isn't kidding...and Bart knows it. Terrifying stuff that happens everyday with real fathers & sons, but mined for comedy here...and absolutely golden.

"Well boy, you won. So I'm going to live up to my side of the deal....here's your turtle...alive and well."

I can't imagine just how much fun it is to write for Homer. The gag with the pie is among one of his best. He's got so many great lines in this episode, it's ridiculous. And it's not just all stupid moments...he treads the line between idiocy and just flat-out horrible parent...and it's just great. An amazing bit of writing when you can make a character so despicable and endearing at the same time.

And this gag is one of my all-time favorites...but I don't have to tell you that...because, well, it's on the list, isn't it?

"All right, I'm going to make a little deal with you mugs. I'm going to let you all out to see my team play the hockey game IF you promise to return to your cells."
"Sorry, pig, we can't make that promise."
"All right...all right, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back,, BUT you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, OK?"
"No."
"I'll take that as a yes."

So, not to repeat myself...but I will anyway...just a classic episode all around. Pretty much every joke is a winner, it has a happy ending...everything a classic Simpsons episode has. Well done, #4, well done.

GREATEST MOMENTS #4

Now, "The PTA Disbands!" used to be my favorite episode, simply for the fact that it has two of my favorite jokes in Simpsons history. Upon reviewing the episode, overall it just didn't do it for me to make the top 5, but these two gags are simply amazing:

"Um, Skinner says the teacher's are going to crack any second purple monkey dishwasher."

A great whisper-down-the-lane joke, but the key to it lies in the words they choose to put at the end. For some reason the combination of purple, monkey, and dishwasher, and Hank Azaria's impeccable delivery, just hit all the right notes. I don't know...I feel this joke might be a bit underappreciated, especially when they beat it into the ground with Edna K.'s next line "especially with that purple monkey dishwasher comment." But as we all know, I love the stuff that slips through the cracks the most.

And the other one is just...I don't know...100% Simpsons:

"The PTA is disbanding?! Ahhh!!!"
[guy jumps out window]
"No! The PTA is NOT disbanding!"
[guy leaps back into room through broken window, dusts himself off, and sits down happily, like nothing happened]

AMAZING.

See you soon w/ #3!!!!

Top Simpsons #5

2008-04-02T17:30:00.004-04:00

Well, a little late in getting this out, but here we go. I promised you one a day, and since that ain't happening, we'll do 2 today and 2 tomorrow...with the big finale on Friday.

So making this list has had me doing a great deal of Simpsons introspection. Some of the results surprised me. Some didn't, in a good way. But every episode & moment on this top 5 list is an absolute classic, so let's get this party started.

To both minimize & maximize anticipation of the final 5, here are my favorite episodes that DIDN'T make the list (in no particular order):

Homer vs. the City of New York
Mountain of Madness
Itchy & Scratchy Land
Lemon of Troy
Marge on the Lam
Flaming Moe's
Homer at the Bat
Lisa the Vegetarian
Krusty Gets Kancelled
&
Last Exit to Springfield

Last Exit to Springfield just might be the greatest Simpsons episode ever put together, and leaving that and Homer v. the City of New York off my final 5 was truly heartbreaking. This was a hard list to put together, almost impossible, but I did. So...coming in at #5:

Episode 3F23, original airdate November 3, 1996
"You Only Move Twice"

"Can't a guy walk down the street in this country without being offered a job?!"

I contemplated reviewing each episode on the list with just quotes from each, but alas, not. I'll just pepper each review with my favorites.

"So long, stinktown!"

Perhaps Albert Brooks's greatest of all his guest performances is that of Hank Scorpio. Homer takes a job with Globex Corporation and the rest is history.

"Ever see a guy say goodbye to a shoe?"
"Yes, once."

This episode was written by the great John Schwartzwelder, who has probably written all the greatest, if not funniest, Simpsons episodes ever. The Simpsons has had plenty of amazing runs, but this episode contains one, if not the best, between Scorpio & Homer:

"Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?"
"Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks."
"Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut...that's on third."
"Uh-huh."
"There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There?"
"Mm-Hmm."
"That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
"Oh, the hammock district."
"That's right."

Now, I know when you break a joke down, it becomes less funny...but the fact that Homer, needing "business hammocks," knows the whole time that there's a "hammock district" in town...a town he's lived in for less than a week...and that he still feels the need to ask Scorpio about it...is just pure genius. I will never stop laughing at this scene.

There's another great scene that gets cut in the syndicated version of the episode that is just fantastic. It doesn't really translate when I write it out, but here you go anyway: Bart's been placed in the remedial class and he's depressed after realizing what's he's gotten himself into. In the syndicated version, the scene ends with him sitting at his desk all sad. The cut scene involves one of the kids coming up behind him and comforting him...slowly patting him on the back. But the pats quickly become harder and more rapid, until the kid just slaps Bart as hard as he can on the back and gets yelled at by the teacher. An amazing bit that had slipped through the cracks until I got the DVD.

On the commentary track, they talk about how Albert Brooks does a lot of improvising. Who knows which lines were scripted and which were improvised, but there are just too many to pick a favorite...hmmm...like this list in a way.

"Uh....you have any sugar around here?"
"Sugar? Sure."
[Scorpio fumbles in his pockets, takes out a few handfuls of sugar]
"Here you go...sorry it's not in packages."

The b-story of Bart, Lisa & Marge not having the great time Homer is in this new town may not be the most compelling, but Homer's side of it make up for them in spades. Project Arcturus...the Denver Broncos...Homer getting "Mr. Bont" killed...the weather machine & germ warfare divisions...all amazing. So kudos to "You Only Move Twice"....coming in strong at #5.

GREATEST MOMENTS #5:

So after each of the top 5, I'll also be posting some of my favorite moments from episodes that didn't make the top of the heap. Here's batch number 5, from Itchy & Scratchy Land:

"We're now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy Land: the amusement park of the future where nothing can possiblye go wrong."
[Everyone looks worried.]
"Er...possiBLY go wrong. Heh...that's the first thing that's ever gone wrong."

"There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned about violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem so that we may educate as well as horrify."
"When do you show the consequences? On TV that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next scene the cat was breathing comfortably."
"Just like in real life."
[pause]
"Hey, look over there!"
[family does so, he takes off quickly]
"Nyaaang!"

"Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
"Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate."
"No. Come along, Bort."
"Are you talking to me?"
"No, my son is also named Bort."

[as the bird sancutary is in chaos, Hans Moleman in the telephone booth making a call]
"I'll take the largest seed bell you have."
[pause]
"No, that's too big."

"Dad, the flash must have scrambled their circuits."
"What are you, the narrator?"

"As Roger Meyers Jr., the owner of the park, I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots. And to show my appreciation, here are two free passes.
"But there are five of us."
"Here are two free passes!"
"That's better."

Man, I just gotta say that Itchy & Scratchy Land definitely comes in at a close 6th. Geez, what a classic.

Stay tune for pick #4...coming your way in a few hours. Oh, you know the anticipation is killing you...because I just assume all of you read my blog in real time. M'yes...

Money. Uncomfortable yet?

2008-03-14T20:08:00.003-04:00

Money grows on trees. Because it comes from paper, dummy. And America's money factories churn out about 6 million dollars a day.

Yet I can't pay my rent this month (my landlord just came over to yell at me, then subsequently give me a pep talk), my phone has been turned off, and my cable and electric bills are both over $300 dollars each. What the fuck gives?

I've never been working harder in my life. Am I working on the wrong projects? Some of them, sure, probably. But some of those no-pay projects got me a freelance gig thanks to my posting them on YouTube. And a lot of those silly videos ended up on my editors effects reel, which helped get me my fulltime gig that I started this week. But my bank account is holding at $9 right now.

I've made some stupid mistakes too:

-Went to AC and gambled away $200

-Let a client pay me with a PS3 instead of a check

-Assumed my fulltime gig was starting a week before it actually did

So basically, I'm a week of money-wise, but it was the first week of the month, when all my bills need to get paid, and that didn't happen. Come to think of it, it didn't happen in February, either. So how come everytime I come into a little bit of cash, it immediately disappears? I don't do drugs. I don't go out drinking a lot. I don't smoke, so I don't need to buy cigarettes. I don't have a car, so I don't need to pay for gas or car insurance. My rent is a ridiculously low $785 a month (for a one-bedroom NYC apartment). I don't buy new clothes. All my gadgets and gizmos in my apartment are on credit cards. Where the fuck is my money going?

Well, that's not a hard answer: I don't get paid enough. I spent 2 1/2 years at a job not getting paid enough. I work freelance gigs where I don't get paid enough. I do jobs for my friends for free. Out of everybody that I know, I make the least amount of money. Not by much, but I also factor in that ALL OF MY FRIENDS, yes that's right all of them, own cars. How the fuck is this possible? I try to do the math in my head and it just doesn't work out.

I beg, borrow, and steal more than anybody. It makes me feel 2 inches tall. It makes me feel like complete shit. If I had a nickel for everytime I said "I'm a little light on cash this week," I would never have to utter that phrase again. It sucks. And talking about it sucks. I hate it. I grew up with little money and now I'm an adult with little money.

I'll know in 2 weeks, when the first fulltime gig check comes in, whether all of this will change for the better. I don't want to be rich, I just want to be comfortable. I want to be able to work on my own projects and not have to worry about whether or not I can eat dinner that night. Whether or not I can afford my medication. Whether or not I can pay rent, wash my clothes, afford a metrocard to I can get back and forth in the city...

I want to make money so I don't have to worry about it. I want to pick up the tab. I want to be able to fucking pay back CJ after 4 years. I don't want clients to ask me why there's a message on my phone saying its been disconnected. I don't want friends to ask me if I need to borrow money. I don't want relationships to end because of money. I don't want to have to eat off the fucking Burger King dollar menu.

Hopefully, we'll all look back on this one day and laugh while we're lighting our cigars with $100 bills.

INTERVIEWS is NATURAL - #1

2008-02-29T07:43:00.007-05:00

The Interview of the Century
The Rise of Playboy, Jet-Setter and Occasional Movie Villain

Greg Collins

For our newest feature at SepNat, "Interviews is Natural," the decision of who the inaugural interview would be wasn't too complicated or lengthy. Honestly, this feature was created BECAUSE we wanted to interview this man. He is Greg Collins. Don't let the first question throw you, we know exactly who he is and why we should be interviewing him. And so will you, you know, if you read this, obviously. So please sit back, relax, and enjoy this intimate conversation with this dashing young go-getter I like to call...Greg Collins.

SepNat: Who are you and why the hell should I be interviewing you?

Greg Collins: I am the greatest thing that ever walked the face of the earth. That pretty much sums up why you should be interviewing me.

SepNat: Nice. So, when you’re talking to a girl at a bar, and she asks you what you do for a living, what is your reply?

GC: When I am at a bar, having a pleasant discussion with a lady, there is nothing duller than talking about work. It just sounds like your bragging if you do that, even if you hate your job. I like to keep the convo strictly fun, funny, and insightful. I'm in the business of simply having a lot of fun. Furthermore, there is little else that is duller than talking about your own job when you're supposed to be enjoying yourself at a bar. Further-furthermore, if a girl does ask this question, I think it is a bad sign. It means the normal flow of a fun conversation is waning. Questions like that should be reserved for date-seshes, "dates" for the layman. However, let's say the topic of work did come up and a girl asked me what I do for a living. I would probably just answer her truthfully, "I design books."

SepNat: Jobs and girls aside (for now), what are your immediate life plans for 2008?

GC: Build even stronger relationships with my friends. Get on my bike much more often. Create more songs under the Push title. Do SOMETHING with DJing. Go to Ireland. Design more freelance projects. Start Illustrating again. Develop my own children's books, cartoon, graphic novel, or...something else. Compile all the art I've done throughout my life and design it as one hardbound volume.

SepNat: Ambitious, I love it. I’d like to focus on two aspects of Greg Collins that intrigue me: The Push and your illustrations. First, The Push. Word on the street is that there is new Push music on the horizon. Can you confirm or deny these rumors?

GC: New Push tracks are on the horizon. Don't expect any in the next months. But who knows. This year for sure. It's been far too long without Push music. The more I listen to so-called electronic music the more I realize that most of it lacks a melody. Blips, bleeps, and beats don't just make a song. You gotta have melody. Or at least ambiance. The Push is all about ambiance and melody in 2008. New sounds, new beats, new effects, new synths. It should be fun. And it won't be like the previous Push, where 1 album is made in 1 week. I'll take it a bit slower in the hopes of nailing down great music.

SepNat: I know this is early, but do you have any song titles in mind yet?

GC: The title track: Mach XII in the 4th Dimension, and: Everything But Earth. These aren't final but are knocking about in my head.

SepNat: Lovely. I dig them. The anticipation of hearing new Push tracks will be rough, but I think I’ll manage, just barely. Now, onto illustrating. This is an aspect of Greg Collins that I’m not as familiar. You mention you’d like to possibly work on an original graphic novel. Would you like to write one, or just illustrate one? Personally, I’ve got an original idea that I need an illustrator for, but that’s besides the point, at least for this interview. Tell me a little about you and illustrating, whatever comes to mind.

GC: I have not drawn anything since high school. I doodle a lot, but as for an actual drawing, no. I've drawn for my whole life. Used to do so for hours when I was a little guy. I haven't in recent years, when I should be developing skills. I don't trust my own talent yet as an illustrator to trust myself with your graphic novel. As for my graphic novel ideas, I have no problem screwing them up with bad illustrations. I love illustrations that deliberately shy away from accurately depicting reality. I love drawings done by children. Abstraction comes naturally to them but for us "adults" we have to force ourselves to draw abstraction. I think everyone can draw, and I think we all should. Especially those of us who utter self-deprecating comments like "I can't draw." I think the people who "don't" or "can't" draw have the most interesting illustrations because they have their own style, their own hand, in their art. I'd much rather watch my brother, who has an amazing and unique style that I have never ever seen before anywhere, draw a specific scene than witness a class of people who have been instructed on "how to draw correctly" illustrate the same scene.

SepNat: What type of freelance gigs are you looking to book? Something with illustrating, maybe to ignite those dormant fires?

GC: Sure yeah. Although I have no portfolio for illustrations at the moment. But I would love to do some freelance work designing a book, something very graphic, fun, and different. I'm not nearly as confident with illustration as I am with design. I will need to begin developing it on my own before I take it to a professional level. I'm not talking about comic book characters either. I like mood in my illustrations. Simple and abstract. Artsy-fartsy, if you will. Or maybe something cartoonish. I can do that very well.

SepNat: What types of books, comic or other, are you currently into? I’m a big fan of Scud: The Disposable Assassin, which I think you would dig. Any titles you could recommend?

GC: You know, I never used to like to read. Well, I guess I loved it as a little guy. But only since I've been working in publishing have I fallen in love with books again. For over the past year I have been reading novels mostly of 19th century Russia. I love the time period, the country, and their writers. Tolstoy is my favorite. But the more I read Dostoevsky...well, the more he may surpass Tolstoy as my favorite author.

I have read Anna Karenina and War and Peace, both by Tolstoy (translated by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky). Anna Karenina is outstanding. I highly recommend it. War and Peace is the best book I have ever read. Really, it is long, but finishing is worth it. It truly is a masterpiece, Brett. It has surely earned all the acclaim as greatest novel ever written. More recently, I have read The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky. I actually really like this one. A bit heavy at times, but amazing. I also read Dostoevsky's Notes from Underground, The Double, and The Gambler. I did not like The Double but The Gambler was interesting. Notes from Underground is a classic, certainly a great introduction to Dostoevsky as it is short in length. I am currently reading A Hero of Our Time by Lermontov, another Russian bloke. Just started it today. Love it so far.

I recently finished reading Tolstoy’s The Kreutzer Sonata. Great book! He masterly writes beautiful romances in most of his novels with eloquence and real emotion. The Kruetzer Sonata is based off his own failed marriage with his actual wife. Ironic how he could write some of the most memorable romances in all of literature but his own was nothing but torment for him. I won't tell you the end but it is shocking. Not the usual Tolstoy. I read that he was inspired by and drew upon his own marriage for this book. It is very short, about 120 pages, unlike all his other novels (which run from 800 to 1400 pages). It is good though.

I do enjoy more books than 19 century Russian works. I love Edgar Allan Poe. His novel, his only novel interestingly enough, The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket, is genius. The footnotes, appendices, and introduction explain why. But its a fun read and the overwhelming symbolism throughout make it important. I love his short stories too, although I have not read them all.

I love The Awakening by Kate Chopin, an American author. Very interesting.

I love buying books, I spend many lunch breaks traversing the aisles of Barnes&Nobles. I buy a lot of them too. More than I can read.

I recently read Clive Barker's new book, bought it off a whim and because the design impressed me. It was freaking horrible. It was the worst, stupidest, and most pointless piece of trash I have ever read. I will never read it again and I will never recommend it to anyone ever, certainly not people who I like.

I greatly enjoy comic books. I used to read Spawn a lot. Although I got tired of it because nothing ever really happened. I love the Venom mini-series line. However, I only REALLY love the first mini-series, Lethal Protector. I think it came out in '96 or so. Maybe '94. I'm reading this other books simply called BEASTS. Very graphically oriented without that much text. But it is very cool. I think you'd like it. There is this book called The Poison Diaries as well. I highly recommend that as an awesome read and as an amazing and creative way to make a book—everything is handwritten, all over the page. It is supposed to be the diary of a servant boy in 19 century England who dreams of poisoning his evil master. It's crazy. I do like graphic novels. There is a cool compilation graphic novel called Flight. A bunch of different artists create their own comics with a central theme of...can you guess...flying. Some are shite. But most are pretty cool. With a few being outstanding and emotional. I've also read Frank Miller's Batman stuff and his 300. Awesome.

You have been reading Scud for years now haven't you? If you could recommend more I would check them out.

SepNat: Lately, I’ve been hooked on Y: The Last Man. Its about a plague that kills every single organism with a Y chromosome, except a guy named Yorick and his pet monkey named Ampersand. It’s kick ass. Also just read we3, which was okay, and am always a big fan of The Goon. I’m very specific in what comics I read, for some reason. And although it’s not a comic, I really think you would dig World War Z. Have you read that one?

GC: I never read or heard of Y. I have heard of we3. Never read it though. I know about World War Z. I've seen people reading it too. I hear good things. No doubt it will be made into a movie. I will check out all of them. I'm always looking for new things to read.

SepNat: World War Z is awesome, I think it’s my favorite book. Here’s a good one: if you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?

(Greg takes some time to ponder this question...)

GC: Superpower...after much debate within my brain...my nervous synapses recommend I go with teleportation. And I mean...no limits on where I can go. Of course I teleport at my own risk since I could teleport to the core of the Sun and completely annihilate myself. That would be shitty. But it would be cool to think, "ok body, telelport me to another planet on which I could breathe without a problem." That would be cool. No only would teleportation be fun, but it would be so practical. The entire world would be like walking to my living room. "Want to go Paris? Ok, pack your bags, and wait here. I'm going to go check into the hotel and then come back and pick you up." Bam! We are there. Week long trips could become day trips. Imagine this too, "you going out tonight? Yes. Cool. Where do you want to go? Well, I know this awesome bar in London... All right let's go there!" We could bar-hop the world's greatest bars.I could do anything. I could be the best assassin for the US government. A great solider, if I wanted to go down that road...which I don't. Still, interesting to think about.

Clearly, I could get up at 9am and instantly be at work. And not only would the commute time be split seconds, but zero emissions on travel. So, good for the environment. Also, anything that I could carry can teleport with me. I simply have to touch it with my bare hands. I say "anything I could carry" instead of "anything I touch" because I don't want to teleport a building with me somewhere...or teleport the Earth if I am standing barefoot.

It was between this and flying, in a superman fashion. Flying, I would imagine, would take an enormous amount of energy. I imagine it would be comparable to running. So I would not really be able to fly across the world. Plus, flying would be fun and that's pretty much it. I wouldn't have super strength so I wouldn't really be able to fly with heavy luggage. Because I think the faster I fly, while carrying a lot of luggage, the heavier the luggage will get. If you don't understand this, than read up on the theory of relativity. Teleportation, much more practical.

Plus, if I wanted to experience the thrill of flying, all I would have to do is teleport to say 10,000 feet high, freefall for a couple thousand feet and teleport back to the ground. However, now that I think about it that may not be possible because I think right after I teleport I think I would still carry the same momentum. So instead of freefalling for so long, I would just free fall for about 10 feet. At that height, 10 feet would still be exciting.

"What do you want to do this weekend? How about Friday night we go see a show in Japan. Saturday, lets hike the Andes. And Sunday, how about we go for a run in Italy...or we could go check out the Australian Outback. Sound good?"It does to me. Gimme teleportation.

SepNat: Great answer. I don’t think I want to try and top that, so let’s wrap this up. Anything you’d like to personally recommend to the world before we conclude this interview? Wishes, fears, hopes, dreams, final thoughts?

GC: Originally I had intended to answer you with some sort of epic moral commandment that we all could live by--too generic, lame, and predicable. Then I thought I would try to wrap things up with some deadpan humor--even more lame and predictable. Finally I think instead, I'll keep my answers simple and to the point (even though your final questions are short but complicated final questions). I'll try to be brief...

MUSIC: (I wouldn't recommend these if I didn't feel so strongly about them)
Hot Chip--most creative electronic music ive ever heard. Check out Ready for the Floor, Over and Over, and One Pure Thought. If you like this shit, check out the rest of the albums.

Vampire Weekend--clearly, you may already know about this shit. simple, lovely, and very catchy. fun too!

MGMT--dude...these blokes are unreal!! psychedelic, epic, melodic, electronic music. real intruments are used as well. Try "Time to Pretend." Amazing. My new fav band.

The Knife, The Changes, The Postmarks, St. Vincent, Au Revoir Simone, Annuals, The Raveonettes, Bell X1 -- all fantastic creative bands.

DREAMS:
My dream....or dreams....to someday be a very successful graphic artist--one who doesn't just design books. I want to make "Art", you know what I mean. I have a lot to say. I think what I have to say matters. Would be great to work for a design firm or something.

Other dream...to get a saturday night spot DJing in a club.

Other dream...to create a good album of electronic music. Professionally. Would be a mixture of different types of styles. Most of all it would (need to) be fun and at the same emotional. (I think all good music draws on some sort of emotion. "Emotion", to me, isn't just the 'wussy' feelings.

Final dream: to know all that there is to know about the universe, astronomy, and cosmology. You know; parallel universes; intelligent life in the universe; time travel (cause time is relative--which is amazing); our solar system; what its like inside the sun or on the surface. i want to know it all. ....oh, and i guess id like to know, for sure, if there is an afterlife. that would free up a lot of grief.

HOPES:
Definitely that my friends, family, and I stay healthy, safe, and happy. I don't think that that is too much to ask.

FEARS:
Dying young; friends/family dying young; becoming boring; being lonely by the time I'm 40; having some sort of freak accident that changes my life because I can't see, walk, or something like that. Actually, I think this may be my number 1 fear. Or maybe, this is it: waking up one morning and realizing I've accomplished nothing in my life. Wait...this won't happen because it's just a choice I make...but still...it would be terrible. Yeah, so I guess that's not a fear. This is hard. I think I fear that I watch too much TV. Anyone would wants to actually DO SOMETHING FUN after work let me know. I'm sick of TV.

Actually, this is a real fear: that my imagination will dwindle and fade. I'd be hard pressed to try to find something greater than a good imagination.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
This was fun. It forced me to think critically about myself. I guess. I took it as a joke in the beginning. But after a while I found myself taking it seriously. I enjoyed this because I like to ponder about all this nonsense; ask questions (almost to the point of utter annoyance to the person whom I am asking) because even when I am given an 'answer', I have a hard time merely accepting it as fact; and analyze things from more than one angle. Where I am going with this I don't quite know. I'll leave you with a quote I love and which I think is appropriate:

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." --Albert Einstein

All this was nice. Thanks for the interviewing me.

SepNat: Thanks for being our first.

Greg & SepNat Recommend:
Y: The Last Man Brian K. Vaughn & Pia Guerra
The Goon Eric Powell
War & Peace Leo Tolstoy
Anna Karenina Leo Tolstoy
Vampire Weekend (self titled)
MGMT

Punched!

2008-02-24T08:14:00.000-05:00

This is fantastic.

Unemployable

2008-02-01T10:27:00.000-05:00

So I've gone and made myself unemployed. Don't worry, the title of this entry isn't me being pessimistic, it's just a delightful nod to a groovy little PJ song.

So I'm starting Day 3 of being a full time freelancer, and while I'm not panicking yet because I don't have another solid gig booked as such, I am a little frustrated that I'm probably going to have to edit bullshit news to pay the bills over the next few months. Blurgh.

I know I shouldn't, and I agree with everyone when they tell me I shouldn't, but I just keep going back to high school & college and the fact that I didn't apply myself enough towards the things I want to do right now. Too much time submitting to my ADD. Too much time chasing around that fucking blonde girl (but that did pay off...and it also did not pay off 5 years later god damn it). Too much time not realizing the big picture. So now that I'm firmly residing inside the big picture, and recognize what this big picture is all about, I fucking wish I would have done more to be better at what I do now back then. Writing. Editing. Shooting. Networking. Learn web development. Learn still photography. Shoot more original videos. Fuck fuck fuck. I was a kid who didn't know shit and I got a job at a bullshit company for 2 1/2 years which hasn't qualified me for the things I want to do right now.

Okay, enough of the pity party. I'm still confident I'll find something good in the next few days. I'm going to spend the rest of today searching for more work, probably watch John August's The Nines (starring by beard boy Ryan Reynolds), write some lyrics for Redbirds songs (including If You'll Be Kind, the new/old/fucking awesome one), and tonight do some Stickboying. I've got a new angle to throw into the works with Stickboy, so that should be refreshing. Plus, its raining outside, so why not have an indoors day?

But I still need to blow off some steam right now. Okay...

Since when has it become socially acceptable to trim your fucking fingernails in public?

Seriously, everytime I ride the fucking train, there's always somebody clip-clip-clipping away at their nails. On the platform. In the car. You know the sound. It isn't a sound that muffles. And it doesn't lend itself to interpretation. You know exactly what that sound is coming from, and it's fucking gross.

Yesterday, a guy was clipping away on the platform at Buhre Ave. Over the side of the elevated platform. Which means some poor bastard probably got some trimmings in their hair. Really? Discarded fingernails have become another hazard for streewalking? Unreal.

Clip your fucking fingernails at home. Do it while you watch So You Think You Can Dance? Do it after you shave that hair off your lip. Do it while you make oatmeal, you sloppy, disgusting asshole. Just stop doing it in front of me when I'm in public. Fingernail clipping is an activity that needs to stay inside your house. If I saw a homeless person doing it, I'd let it slide. When I saw a homeless woman take a shit on the platform of the D at Fordham Road a few years ago, I let it slide. But you? You're better than that. Please be better than that.

Okay, steam blown. I feel a little better.

Brett Goes to Sundance

2008-01-23T19:00:00.000-05:00

So I went to Sundance over the weekend. Not for movies, unfortunately, but on a freelance gig where I basically had to stand around with a microphone all day at some silly party. But I did have a chance to do a loop through the festivities and here's what I thought:

1 - I'm not moving to Hollywood anytime soon. Seriously, the douchebagery ran DEEP on the streets of Park City. Hollywood is the polar opposite of New York City, and I don't think I could enjoy myself there. Everybody stares at you, silently judging, but also looking to leech off you if you are something worth sucking the blood from.

2 - God, there were a lot of hot girls, but most of them wore too much makeup. And had absolutely NOTHING going on upstairs.

3 - If you have a publicist, even if you aren't famous, you can get in anywhere and make anyone sleep with you.

4 - Ian Ziering never has to work again. He will live off swag the rest of his life. And how.

5 - If you stop on the street for more than 5 seconds, people will crowd around, assuming you're waiting for someone. If I had been in Park City for more than a few hours, I would have tested this theory.

6 - Nate Skiles is a really nice guy. I would have loved to have been able to stick around for the George Stanford show that night.

7 - Shar Jackson is pretty cute. But on the downside, she's bore 2 of K-Fed's children.

8 - Bono spilled red wine on the carpets we were there to shoot. I missed Bono by a few hours.

9 - God, I love New York City.

10 - Vinny Chase will always be Vinny Chase, no matter how many other projects he does.

11 - Regular people are more fun to be around than famous people.

12 - Sundance is really just an overcrowded street in Utah, and not too impressive.

13 - Next time I'm at Sundance, it will be to either play music or screen my film. And take home lots of swag.

14 - Celebrities are scared, lonely little creatures who constantly need people to tell them they are good.

15 - And as always: desperation is a stinky cologne.

But probably the best part was that I got to see Esther!

Holiday Beard - One Month In...

2008-01-09T15:13:00.000-05:00

The Brett Show

2008-01-02T09:50:00.000-05:00

I didn't see him at the party, but apparently this Bert Hoss fellow took some video and made a trailer for the upcoming 2008 season of the Brett Show. Weird.

CCA Holiday Video 2007

2007-12-28T20:05:00.000-05:00

Oh, the merriment!

I've got my top 3 now...

2007-12-22T12:29:00.000-05:00

Rivers Edge last night, Colin behind the bar, beard on the face, Galaga/Ms Pacman in the corner. Good stuff. I now have my top 3 arcade games that I will purchase once I have some scratch:

1. Ninja Turtles - Me, Ian & the old man beat this game at the KoP mall about 15 years ago, and it was glorious. It was probably the greatest memory of my Dad acting like a child, or most appropriate I guess. I don't remember if we had to be somewhere. I don't remember if we had anything else to do that day. Because we didn't leave that spot until the game was beaten. Random kids would come in and play a few levels, filling in the other 2 positions, but Ian and I held strong, and Father kept getting quarters until we fucked up Shredder and Krang at the end. We beat the game. I remember nothing else from that day, probably a psychological block, but I remember going to town on the Ninja Turles game. I want this game. #1.

2. The Simpsons game. Pretty much the Turtles with different graphics. But come on, its the Simpsons and it's awesome. The last time I saw this game was in Belmar, NJ back before I was dating a Jersey girl, Mike was dating a Jersey girl, and Simon was still around. Seeing Simon next week would be pretty top notch. But it was raining in Belmar (God, I wish I would have known that area of NJ would be my hell someday) so we ducked into an arcade, and sure enough they had the Simpsons game. Simon and I beat that shit that day. Another good day. Kel was dating Dan, but it was still a good day.

To quote Craig: If I had the Turtles and the Simpsons video games, I would be so happy right now.

3. Right, Galaga/Ms Pacman. Sure, it seems like such a staple of arcade games, and maybe it was the copious amounts of alcohol in our systems (definitely, maybe) but playing Galaga was fucking AMAZING last night. And then Michelle & Deric rocked some Ms Pacman and THAT was amazing. I want this machine in my home so it can be amazing everynight. It's the reverse food chain of video games. I like these more than Genesis. I like Genesis more than PS2. #4 on the list would be Bad Dudes, but I don't have the energy to write a paragraph on that.

1 week. 2 brothers. 3 continents.

2007-11-12T11:40:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, we leave New York City, which is located in North America. I haven't left North America in 26 years.

Thursday morning, we wake up in Spain. That's Europe. For the next couple days we'll travel Spain, from Madrid to Sevilla to the vicinity of Gibraltar...

Sunday should find us in Morocco. That's Africa. Africa. Who would have thought a Hauze, let alone two Hauzes, would be in Africa this year. Awesome.

3 continents inside a week. Should be pretty wild. I bought a shitty $200 video camera to document it all.

Robert Goulet 1933-2007

2007-10-30T20:42:00.000-04:00

Very unexpected. He was awaiting a lung transplant for a last few weeks and I guess time ran out. Weird, I was just watching the Simpson's $pringfield episode the other day and his gag on the ep is fantastic.

At the aiport. Bart holds up a sign reading "Robert Goulet"

Robert Goulet: Are you from a casino?

Bart: I'm from a casino.

Robert Goulet: Good enough for me. Let's go.

At Bart's treehouse casino

Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? Mr. Burns' casino? I think I should call my manager...

Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up!

Robert Goulet: Vera said that?

I hate when celebs pass away that aren't "supposed" to pass away. He'll be missed.

GOU-LET!

2 Brothers, 2 Continents

2007-10-29T11:11:00.000-04:00

The idea was hatched. The talk was talked. And the plane tickets have just been purchased.

The Hauze Bros. are going abroad. In two weeks, we leave for Eurasia. Our trip will have us circling Spain and Morocco from Madrid to Sevilla to Tangier and back. Do we know what we're doing? Hell no. Any ideas on how to get around? None. Will it be an adventure? Most definitely.

Our trip will include but not be limited to these things:

Eating more spanish food than is recommended for one person

Bullfights

Snake Charmers

Camel Rides

Rocking the Kasbah

Flying Carpets

Trainrides across the Spanish countryside

Flamenco Dancers

Linen Suits

Adventure

My Beige Whale

2007-10-23T17:42:00.000-04:00

I haven't owned a car since the Whale Shark. Imagine this, only without AC, power windows, a working gas tank meter, and the uncertainty of death constantly reinforcing itself everytime you turn the key and put it in drive:

My love affair with the Whale Shark ended about 3 years ago. Now my new whore mistress is the BMW 330xi. In blue. Mmmm. Does anybody have 35K I can hold for a minute?

I also want you in dark blue.

My White Whale

2007-10-21T13:35:00.000-04:00

Everybody has a neverending quest. Something you've wanted your entire life, but just have never been able to make it happen, to connect, to quench that thirst of all thirsts. For some it's a girl. For some it's a dream job. For some it's rare piece of memorabilia, like an original pressing of a record or a priceless work of art. For me....it's this:

I have been looking for a clean version of this theme song for years. Years. And it started small. I heard the song. I liked it. I wanted to hear it whenever I wanted. Not at 1130am on a Tuesday on TBS. And this was before the digital age was fully realized. I didn't have a Google search. I didn't have YouTube. I didn't have iTunes. And now I do. And I STILL can't find a good copy of this song.

I do, finally, have a shitty recording of this song. I found a windows media version on some TV Theme website where some guy records songs on a boombox to tape off his television. So I've got that. But it sucks. And there's a CBS themes CD out there somewhere with this song on it, I remember seeing it at a Tower Records (RIP) back in high school, but being the high schooler I was, I didn't have the $20 to impulsively drop on a CD like that. And now thru Amazon, iTunes, you name it, I can't find that CD. Stinks.

So the quest continues. I will find this song. I will have a clean version, on my iTunes, for me to dance around a black and white New York City to. It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine.

Cosby Theme. It's called Monk's Hat. Written by Benny Golson. The Don Braden Octet does a version of it. To be continued...

A Trip

2007-10-07T18:39:00.000-04:00

Being the impulsive Hauzes we are, brother and I want to take a trip in the spirit of The Darjeeling Limited. After some beers and some brainstorming last night, and a Phillies loss to boot, I think we came to the combination of Spain and Morocco over the course of a week. Flight to Spain, boatride to Tangier? Does that make sense? Expedia doesn't think so, but I do.

We're looking to go somewhere that isn't obvious. No England. No Japan. Australia's a wee bit too far. Morocco just seems like a good destination...maybe in the spirit of Almost Famous, but then again, maybe in the spirit of the Bourne Ultimatum. I'm hoping it's in the spirit of buying some linen suits and just exploring for a week. No tours, no attractions. Local color. Sunlit taverns with a creaky fan providing miniman circulation. A feast for the eyes and the soul. You know...equal parts amazing and affordable. Easy, right?

I think the Spain/Portugal/Morocco area can offer that. And you know, maybe a flight that gives us a layover in Amsterdam, just for good measure.

Big Sur made me realize there's a lot I haven't seen. Being single made me realize there are a lot of people I still have to meet. Having no stamps in my passport makes me realize that I should get out there and see some of the world. The Hauze boys could use a good trip.

I wish the sister could come too, but she's already gone international, and she's got college to have fun with for now. There will be a Hauze kids trip in the future, no doubt, but for now the boys will test the waters. We already balked on our London trip early this year, so this one's got to go down, for the sake of sanity and good health. Well, not really that serious, but you know, it would be a damn good trip.

A Letter to All the Lonely Numbers

2007-09-28T19:09:00.000-04:00

Dear all you marked single, swinger, cod, or skirt,

After about 3 solid months in the ones column (but really, if you break it down it's been a little longer), I finally came to this little revelation today, and I'd like to pass it along to anyone who wants to agree or disagree with it. This might be common knowledge that I'm just discovering, so please excuse my naivety, as I'm fairly new to this whole confidence game.

Many things happened over the last month and a half which have brought me to this idea of mine. Definitely the most prominent was/are the antics of a little fucking douchebag creep giving out single servings of "hickeys" to ex-girlfriends...but let's not dwell on that nonsense, because like my mugging a couple months ago, the happenings have ended up helping, not hurting.

Okay, okay, enough prologue, let's get to the point. The dance floor (by dance floor I mean singles scene, but dance floor sounds cooler) is a peculiar and sexy temptress. On one hand, you've got to suck up your belly, pride, and confidence all at once and initiate conversation with a person you don't even know. First impressions are a cold hard bitch, so the first step ain't the easiest by a long shot. But then once you do get past the inaugural "hello," it's time to start getting sized up. You start juggling, and this person you introduced yourself to is seeing just what kinds of objects you can keep in the air. "Okay, he can handle tennis balls, so let's try throwing a pirate sword into the mix." "Okay, he handled the pirate sword with some dry wit and then casual touched my shoulder, so let's throw a live porcupine in the air and see how he handles that." And that's the way the dance begins. Every. Single. Time.

So by now, either you've dropped a few items and ran off stage, or you've kept everything in the air and basically said "Listen, I'm obviously an amazing performer, so let's get casual, okay?" You buy them a drink. You get into it. And here's the next roadblock. My friend, who is not me but has the same mother as me and is not my sister, thinks a nice girl is going to be turned off by his personality, once he reveals the real brother deep down. And to that I say horse puckey! My main argument comes in here: if you think they're going to judge you for who you are, why don't you just fire right back and judge them for who they are not.

Example: I am now quite comfortable going out on a Saturday night wearing a t-shirt, jeans, my shit hot air force ones, and maybe a little scruff on my face. And when I'm out and I've knocked out the first two steps on the dance floor, I'm going to highlight the fact that I frequently enjoy comic books, I watch dangerously high doses of TV, have an intense obsession with food, or will kiss Deric on the face if it gets a laugh. And I don't care who laughs, as long as somebody does. And if she has a problem with anything you happen to mention about yourself, you're the not one with a problem. Why doesn't she like comic books? Because they're nerdy? Nope. Certain comics are awesome. I'm not at the comic store every Wednesday picking up the new X-Men or what-have-you, but I do enjoy an issue of Scud, the Goon, or the latest Doug TenNapel every now and again. Or how about TV? I'm a huge fan of the show Angel. Why? Because it's a great fucking show, end of explanation. What does she read? What does she watch? Is she funny, or just good looking? Because looks ain't looks without a sense of humor. And in my book, looks don't exist without a sense of humor.

So instead of "categories" of people -- "frat boys" "wallflowers" "geeks" "dweebs" "motorheads" "assholes" "dickheads" "sluts" "prudes" "waifs" "cockblockers" "annoying friends" -- let's start implementing "individualities." Yes, this is sort of "everybody is a unique snowflake," but not really. Because you will meet people who are similar. Who are unoriginal. Who are dull, boring, rude, smug, shitty. But how does that shittiness bounce off of you? Maybe you're a little shitty yourself. There is no ideal candidate for your ballot. It's politics, but right now, everybody should get 1% of the vote. If you even vote at all. Everyone's in the race, and your vote can go in any direction, because there's plenty of time until the polls open.

I've battled self-esteem issues pretty much nonstop since the 8th grade. (What's up 'injury to my happy place'?) Didn't get laid in high school. Always wore other people's nicer clothes when I went out during college. Spent 5 years with a girl who, at the end, told me she was no longer physically attracted to me, but wanted to stay together because she loved me (I'm sorry, was that more an insult or compliment. Maybe it was an implement. A knife to my brain, heart, and crotch at the same time.) So the whole confidence racket has been a tough one for me to break into. But I think I'm there, thanks in no small part to Deric's lucky red shoes, but also to the fact that I'm going to be me, and if you don't like me, you can fuck right off. The Hauzes are awesome. Some say we're cursed...but maybe it's our own fault for growing up with a black cat. Fucking Phoebe, always doing something to fuck us over. But seriously, there is no curse, and there is no raised bar that you have to meet. It's the dance floor and people are dancing.

You are you and you need to be you. "She won't like me because I'm an asshole." So go out and find an asshole who will give it right back to you. "I'm not attractive." No you're not, you're just not comfortable in your shoes. Get more comfortable shoes. "I've got no game." There is no game. I tried to get game once, and I was told I didn't have it. So instead, I started acting like myself. And surprise, it's working. "I'm too fucked up for someone to be able to handle me." Yeah, that's probably right. But they're fucked up too. Don't you realize that yet? Everybody is fucked up. There are wars fought everyday over what mythical ghost people think everyone should believe in. Shows like Arrested Development and Firefly get cancelled, while shows like According to Jim and Two and a Half Men are now in syndication, their creators now very rich. Family members are estranged. Soulmates don't end up together. Verizon is always going to find a way to fuck you out of money. Hickeys are annoying whether they are on your neck or inside your ex-girlfriend. Fallout Boy is going to continue to exist. Things are fucked up everywhere. What makes you think people aren't the same? People is where fuckups come from. It's a vicious cause & effect world. You want to lock yourself in your room for a month, but then how are you going to pay rent? Shit's tough, so man up.

Fuck the Secret. Fuck the Game. Fuck any rules about the dance floor you've been told. Confidence is you. And I'm not going to write a book about it. In fact, this blog's a little too long, and if you're still reading, then do this: put on the comfortable shoes and get the fuck out there. Because it's a great fucking time. And even if things don't go in the optimum direction, you'll still have food and TV waiting for you at the end of the day, and two out of three ain't bad.

Big Sur, later that day...

2007-09-26T01:11:00.000-04:00

I've never really traveled. Never been out of the country. Don't really vacation. I've been to Key West three times, that's the big one so far. I've been to New Orleans. Detroit. LA. Maine. Let's see...Ohio. The great IL. Wisconsin.

All stink in comparison to Big Sur/Monterey, California. I'm here for work, and work means driving up and down Rt. 1 all day. It's amazing.

I'm not one to take pictures of myself. And I'm not one to be impressed by nature. But today both happened. Big Sur might just be the most breathtaking thing mine eyes have ever seen. I didn't really need another reason to move out to CA, but this sure didn't hurt.

Big Sur

2007-09-25T11:18:00.000-04:00

After a blur of a weekend (but from what I remember it was a nice blur), I've made my way out west for the week, finding myself in Big Sur today. Figures this crazy week would be the same week as most of the new TV premieres. Still managed to catch Chuck for the 2nd time last night. But I missed HIMYM. Stinks. Bless iTunes, though.

Hopefully I'll be able to find the time later today or tomorrow to jot down something somewhat amusing. But for now, nod your head to Phantom Planet and pretend the OC never existed...it'll help you enjoy the song a little more.

Be. Here. Now. A Retrospective.

2007-09-19T00:04:00.000-04:00

So, this entry comes as a response to the AV Club’s snobby, elitist, douchebag article that equated 1997 as the new 1967, listing a bunch of records I would never own, and apparently have no taste because of that fact. Hey, AV Club writers, we’ve already got a Pitchfork, get a new slant. Meanwhile, it got me thinking to that glorious year of 1997, and a record rich in taste. The taste of awesome…sprinkled with some cocaine.

Be Here Now came out in 1997, in so honor of its 10 year anniversary, I’m teaming up with the biggest Oasis fan this side of the pond, the one and only Michael P. Collins, for a little give and take, track by heavily-overdubbed track, of Oasis’ love letter to, um, something I’m sure, but who really can remember when you do all that coke. (Mike's responses are in italics)

D’you Know What I Mean? (7:44)-
Aces, just aces. Start with countless guitar overdubs (a running theme on this record), some backwards effects, maybe a little helicopter, some wah-wah, and just groove on it. We’re singing about Manchester, lads, so obviously we don’t need to get to the second verse until well into the third minute. Also, the tried and true Em-G-D-A (capo 2nd) is in effect here, as it was on previous hits.

I remember hearing this track for the first time on the radio and thinking “wow, that’s a long intro.” That is, until I heard the album version, which tacked on an additional 45 seconds of a car racing down the road—right into that long intro. What was that about? It’s easy to blame the cocaine for such excess (and rightly so). But think about this: three years before the band had no record deal. Fast forward that time and they’re the biggest band in the world, making one of the most anticipated records in years. So, if someone (Noel) announces, “eh ar’ let’s hav a fookin’ car on the album”, you nod yer head, and put yer money where yer mouth is.

But back to the track. Like Brett, I agree: this track is ace. I like how Noel sounds like he’s saying “fuck”. But it’s backwards so he isn’t. Who ever said Oasis wasn’t clever? Liam sounds pissed off on this one. Nice. I still think it’s a annoying that the chords ARE THE EXACT SAME used in “Wonderwall”. Also, Noel, lazy as he is, sticks two Beatles song titles in the lyrics—back to back. “The Fool on the Hill and I Feel Fine”. Genius? You decide.

My Big Mouth (5:02)-
When I bought this CD on the day it came out, I took it up to my room, slapped on a pair of headphones, and let the music do the talking. It worked for track 1. I’m not going to lie…about five seconds into this track, I skipped to track 3. I’m not the biggest My Big Mouth fan. I’ll let Michael weigh in on this one a little further.

I have to disagree. From day one (August 26, 1997-its on the album cover trainspotters!!) to the present, I have loved this song. Liam’s vocal is killer and the pre-chorus is the best Noel’s has ever written. I read somewhere that there are 33 rhythm guitar tracks on this track. Bonehead plays one of them. By the way, after the track ends, you’ve been listening to this record for 12:46 seconds. It’s a long ride.

Magic Pie (7:19)-
Now let’s remember its 1997, and I don’t know jack shit about music. Sure, I owned a bass (a beautiful one that I still rip it up on), and I could pluck a tune, but I was still learning my way around a song. So when I first heard Magic Pie…I was blown the fuck away. Sure, he’s singing about a magic pie, whatever the fuck that is, but the chord progression, the mood, the feedback, the Noel…it all worked. And it only took about five or six years to realize that this song is shit. Glorious, glorious shit. I love it.

Yeh, I never really liked this, notwithstanding the fact a friendship was started because of a discussion regarding this track (a firm handshake to Brett). The hit hat is too loud in the mix, which is saying a lot for Be Here Now. They put Stay Young here and they could have shifted another 500,000 copies and notched another half-star in a review or two.

Stand By Me (5:56)-
This was my favorite when I first heard the album. Liam snarls his ways through this one (I bet it was one take, I’d bet the farm) and Noel riffs his ways over everything. Verses, chorus, outro’s. EVERYTHING! In all seriousness, the string arrangement is class—an over looked fact. Oasis has always done strings tastefully.

Good tune. I don’t have any real emotional connection to this song, but if I remember correctly my brother loves it. This song, in title only, was also a huge hit for Ben E. King, but I’m sure Noel doesn’t give a shite.

I Hope, I Think, I Know (4:22)-
Not counting the All Around the World reprise, this is the shortest song on the record. I hadn’t listened to this one in a long time until now…and it still kicks ass.

This is the “Hey Now” of the record. Best line: “You’ll never forget my name”. Noel was too lazy (high) to write a second verse, so the first one is repeated twice—except the pronouns are different the second time around. Was that a game time decision. Me thinks, yes.

The Girl in the Dirty Shirt (5:47)-
This one falls in the Magic Pie category of me going absolutely apeshit when I first heard it. Who’s the girl in the dirty shirt? I dunno, but she inspired a cracking tune. That outro still gets me, with the slick keys in the background, and Noel’s high harmony (does he ever do a harmony that isn’t a high harmony?). Tops.

Agreed. Again, the pre-chorus is the best part. Noel was writing great pre-chorus’ then. For the record, the Girl in the Dirty Shirt was Noel’s first wife. Guess things weren’t going to well when the best thing he could say about his misses is that she wears a dirty shirt. They divorced in 2000. Love fades in and fades out doesn’t it………

Fade In-Out (6:52)-
…..what a segue way. This tune is awful and sounds like bad Bon Jovi (“Dead or Alive”). How long do we get to listen to the band hold on the D sus2 chord before Liam instructs to “get on the rollercoaster”? Too long. Next.

This one, like My Big Mouth, was a song I normally skipped over in 1997. Actually, 10 years later, I think I still skip over this one. But that’s Johnny Depp on the slide!

Don’t Go Away (4:48)-
Ballad. Single. Great. I used to think the lyric was “…cos I need more time, just to make these rhymes…” which I thought was bollocks. But it’s “…cos I need more time, just to make things right…” which makes a lot more sense. I was 16 and wet behind the ears.

Ah, that’s better. The best song on the album. Liam’s best vocal ever. And again, a class French horn arrangement. And I love how Noel removed his index finger off the last C chord. Listen for it in the left speaker. One more thing, there are sleigh bells on this track. Did anyone ever notice that?!

Be Here Now (5:13)-
Title track. “Your shit jokes remind me of Digsy’s.” Good whistle. I don’t really have much else to say about this one. Because…

“Flash your pan at the song that I’m singing. Touchdown bass, living on the run. Make no sweat of the hole that you’re digging”………

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

All Around the World (9:20!!!!)-
Cingular is now the new AT&T. Thank god, because now this song is immortal, which is how I felt when I first heard it. This is another one of my brother’s favorites. I mean, the song’s almost 10 minutes long. And there’s a reprise at the end of the record. Oasis! Oasis! Oasis!

Way too long. But a great track. Great horn arrangement too. I have Cingular, too. Any self respecting Oasis fan would.

It’s Gettin’ Better (Man!) (6:59)-
This is a great song. A truly great lost Oasis classic, with some decent lyrics for once. And how about the middle bit?! As close to a jam as Oasis would ever get. I would love to know how many times Noel and Liam sing “we’re getting better man”, at the end. 35 times, maybe?!
This one I always lump together with the title track. I don’t know why they always remind me of one another, they just do. Did this song need to be 7 minutes? Short answer: yes.

All Around the World (Reprise) (2:08)-
No Beatles influence here. Come on, what a fitting end to the biggest record of 1997. For the record, the only two tracks to make me and Mike’s Oasis Supermix where D’You Know What I Mean and All Around the World, but listening to it now, I wish we would have put the reprise on there too, as the last track.

Oasis never leaves you wanting more, do they? At least not here. The tune ends with the shutting of a door. The closing of an era perhaps? Maybe. I’d like to think it was the man driving the car at the beginning of “D’ya know what I mean?.” He arrived home. Exhausted. Listening to Be Here Now will do that. I bet he was thinking “Where is the bass?”

It's okay, I'm a doctor

2007-09-04T11:19:00.000-04:00

How is this thing not called "Doctor Wood Splitter?" You've gone out of your way to put the "DR" in front of your product name, why not spend the extra time to make that DR mean teacher...in latin....

The doctor will see you now

You've got the infomercial that hooked me...why would you let me down like that? Oh right, probably because you're spending your time making infomercials.

And I'm spending my time editing video that are basically infomercials.

Fuck it, I've got a music video to plan. And a demo reel to edit.

San Francisco says hello, see you on Thursday New York. I never thought a place existed outside of New York that had more crazy people per square block. Then I came to SF. A woman tried to punch me yesterday. For no reason. Well, surely she had her own reasons, but none that would've made sense to me. Wait...would? Wood? Dr. Wood Splitter? I probably wood have needed him yesterday if that punch wood've landed.

In Search of the Perfect Karaoke Song...

2007-09-01T13:37:00.000-04:00

Last night found me in another karaoke bar, but this one topped the others. This one, in the vicinity of St. Marks, was a fine Japanese establishment that actually had private rooms, like the one in Lost in Translation. (Naturally, I've never been to Japan, so I can only make a pop culture reference, as usual.)

We didn't get a private room, because the main bar area got pretty crazy as the night wore on, and I spent the night, aside from getting pretty hammered off Sapporo and Sake (ah, Sake, its like getting drunk on boiled Rice Krispies), trying to figure out the perfect song to sing along to. Now, this is an ongoing struggle for me. Sure, you've got your easy crowd-pleasers: Elton John, U2, Oasis, even Billy Joel or some 80's throwback. But I'm constantly trying to up my game. Maybe some Kenny Loggins? Maybe some Elvis? Or even the Kenny Rogers classic "What Condition My Condition Was In."

The key to good karaoke is not to sing a song you personally love, or a song you think people will recognize, because it's not about that. It's about getting that vibe going in the room as you belt it out. People don't need to know the words, they're on the screen. People don't need to like the song, because you'll do that for them. You have to croon. You have to sing to the ladies. So you gotta pick a song that's going to do that. The main example is The Cable Guy:

I mean, Jefferson Airplane...just a classic choice. Judd Apatow once again, ladies and gentlemen.

So what did I do? I didn't toe the line, I just sang a sure hit. Oasis...Don't Look Back in Anger...again. I crooned. I sang to some ladies. And I found a pocket of folks in the corner who sang along every word with me. It wasn't my best performance (that would be the time a couple years ago when I sang Elton John's Your Song and had a girl asking to go home with me afterwards...nice), but it was still pretty solid. Sigh.

It's just...you have so many Japanese cocktails and you grow impatient. The song selection books are huge, and how are you supposed to wade through all those thousands of songs to find the right one for the right moment for the right crowd? So I think I'll start carrying a "karaoke grocery list" with me, for just these cases. But that's going to be a process. But the next time I'm faced with a karaoke decision...it will be legendary.

And not like this poor bastard:

No, she'd like you too much...

2007-08-29T11:25:00.000-04:00

Once again, a girl has managed to say something to me that just made me shake my head. Out last night with a friend of mine and his lovely gal pal, I naturally drank many beers very fast and, before she knew it, I was asking her to set me up with one of her lovely friends. Now, the friends weren't at the bar last night, just to clarify.

So she starts either thinking hard about it, or just humoring me, and starts going through her list of friends. One of them already has a boyfriend "in the works," and by "in the works" that can surely only mean that it was love at first sight and they're planning on eloping this weekend thereby making her off limits until the end of time (sarcasm duly noted, thanks). Another of her friends is too ditzy for me to be interested in. Really? Let me quote my friend Deric: "Well, she's no rocket scientist." "Well, I'm not looking for any kind of scientist." So I guess I won't be meeting the dumb friend, either. Hell, it could have worked. I could have faked interest in So You Think You Can Dance, right?

And then the last possibility from her friend pool ended like this: she'd be good for you, but I think she'd like you too much.

(crickets)

I'm sorry? Like me too much? Now granted, I'm not looking for a serious relationship. But you're telling me this girl would get to know me, have no choice but to fall in love with me, and I'd be the one in the unfortunate position having to let her down easy? What the fuck does "she'd like you too much" mean? Because it definitely doesn't mean what it thinks it means. I just going to start wearing a button that says "Hug me. I don't want a relationship with you, I just need the human contact from the opposite sex."

(gun shot to the face)

Fuck it, I've got a music video to plan.

Heat

2007-08-19T00:34:00.000-04:00

Watching the great Michael Mann's Heat. And so says Pacino:

"All I am is what I'm going after."

Yes, indeed.

Hauze of Wax

2007-08-18T12:27:00.001-04:00

Why do I continue to subject myself to the atrocity that is the 2005 version of the Elisha Cuthbert/Chad Michael Murray juggernaut House of Wax? I have seen this movie about 7 or 8 times. Like a moth with no artistic integrity to a flame of the lowest common denominator, I am drawn to this pile of shitberks each and every time it pops up on my dial. Right now, Jared Padalecki is being staying inside the creepy house too long, playing with rusty medical tools.

Maybe it's because I have this deep desire to make all of these shitty "horror" movies better. House of Wax is a great little concept: attractive teens stumble across redneck town where they're picked off one by one by two crazy brothers who turn some of them into wax statues. I mean, who cares about the premise in the big picture...all of these movies are about the same thing: fictionally bumping off archetypes of people who piss you off in real life. The respective settings for these bloodbaths are different ways to be clever. Right now, Jared Padalecki is being waxed alive.

I've always wanted to revamp an shitty version of a potentially okay movie. It began when saw I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. That was the first time I felt truly disrespected by a movie. Yeah, I was in high school, and going to random movies with your girl was just another step in the process of eventually getting to second base before 11pm. But I Still Know... set off this thing inside me that craved these shit horror movies. Maybe it was just knowing that I could do better. Right now, Jared Padalecki is off screen for the time being.

Then they made a movie based on House of the Dead. A horrible, horrible, horrible movie. This one I couldn't even sit through, even with the Erica Durance nudity. But this one stung for another reason. Back in high school, when I would frequent the Oaks movie theater, I'd always spy the House of the Dead 2 arcade game, beckoning me to play as one of the two brothers who dress is sharp gray suits to shoot up some zombies. So in my mind, I was going to write a sequel to the video game, as a movie. Two wise cracking brothers, dressed in expensive suits, who hunt zombies. Come on, that's a pretty good premise. But then Uwe Boll fucked it up, like he has so many movies before it. Right now, Jared Padalecki is having part of his face accidentally chopped off as he sits at a piano.

I've got a pretty good idea for the slasher movie I'm going to write. I've got a title, some characters, a setting, and a reason for someone to go crazy enough to slaughter all their close friends and family so people can spend $11 a ticket to watch it all go down while they crinkle their god damned bags of candy during the quiet parts of the movie. It's on the pile...after Stickboy, the cop show, and about a half dozen others. Right now, Jared Padalecki is dead.

Last week I saw Behind the Mask: the Rise of Leslie Vernon. Holy shit, what a great movie. It mixes serious horror and dark, dark comedy and gets everything right. Go out and rent/buy/Netflix this movie, and thank me later. But now, I'm going to finish watching House of Wax. Paris Hilton is about to be skewered in her underwear...only this time not in home video night vision.