Why do I continue to subject myself to the atrocity that is the 2005 version of the Elisha Cuthbert/Chad Michael Murray juggernaut House of Wax? I have seen this movie about 7 or 8 times. Like a moth with no artistic integrity to a flame of the lowest common denominator, I am drawn to this pile of shitberks each and every time it pops up on my dial. Right now, Jared Padalecki is being staying inside the creepy house too long, playing with rusty medical tools.
Maybe it's because I have this deep desire to make all of these shitty "horror" movies better. House of Wax is a great little concept: attractive teens stumble across redneck town where they're picked off one by one by two crazy brothers who turn some of them into wax statues. I mean, who cares about the premise in the big picture...all of these movies are about the same thing: fictionally bumping off archetypes of people who piss you off in real life. The respective settings for these bloodbaths are different ways to be clever. Right now, Jared Padalecki is being waxed alive.
I've always wanted to revamp an shitty version of a potentially okay movie. It began when saw I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. That was the first time I felt truly disrespected by a movie. Yeah, I was in high school, and going to random movies with your girl was just another step in the process of eventually getting to second base before 11pm. But I Still Know... set off this thing inside me that craved these shit horror movies. Maybe it was just knowing that I could do better. Right now, Jared Padalecki is off screen for the time being.
Then they made a movie based on House of the Dead. A horrible, horrible, horrible movie. This one I couldn't even sit through, even with the Erica Durance nudity. But this one stung for another reason. Back in high school, when I would frequent the Oaks movie theater, I'd always spy the House of the Dead 2 arcade game, beckoning me to play as one of the two brothers who dress is sharp gray suits to shoot up some zombies. So in my mind, I was going to write a sequel to the video game, as a movie. Two wise cracking brothers, dressed in expensive suits, who hunt zombies. Come on, that's a pretty good premise. But then Uwe Boll fucked it up, like he has so many movies before it. Right now, Jared Padalecki is having part of his face accidentally chopped off as he sits at a piano.
I've got a pretty good idea for the slasher movie I'm going to write. I've got a title, some characters, a setting, and a reason for someone to go crazy enough to slaughter all their close friends and family so people can spend $11 a ticket to watch it all go down while they crinkle their god damned bags of candy during the quiet parts of the movie. It's on the pile...after Stickboy, the cop show, and about a half dozen others. Right now, Jared Padalecki is dead.
Last week I saw Behind the Mask: the Rise of Leslie Vernon. Holy shit, what a great movie. It mixes serious horror and dark, dark comedy and gets everything right. Go out and rent/buy/Netflix this movie, and thank me later. But now, I'm going to finish watching House of Wax. Paris Hilton is about to be skewered in her underwear...only this time not in home video night vision.