Thursday, October 2, 2008


July 19, 2006. Before CitiField loomed behind the wall. Before Fernando Tatis. Before Ryan Church. Before I knew a god-damned thing about the Mets...that's when my favorite memory of Shea took place.

I figured I'd write one of these up since everyone else involved in NY sports is doing it. Yes, even though it sounds ridiculous and you refuse to believe it, I am indeed involved in NY sports.

So, July of 2006. Working a silly job for a silly mortgage company. We're there to shoot some winner of some contest (bet those mortgage companies aren't running any contests this year), so we have to shoot her getting her oversized check from Willie before the game starts.

So we spend a bit waiting around for this whole thing to start. I'm standing on the field, on the Mets logo behind home plate. The moment comes, we shoot the thing, mission accomplished. So everybody rushes off the field and I'm still stuck out there with my camera & tripod. Then I realize...I'm the only person standing on the field at that moment.

So I decide to stop, look around, and take it all in. The stands are packed. Both teams are in their dugouts, waiting for this idiot camera guy to get off home plate so they can start the game. I step back from my camera, take a deep breath, and let it all wash over me. Nothing spectacular...but still, pretty awesome. Standing on the field all by myself at Shea Stadium before a packed house. Like the Beatles. Oh, and I think the Mets did pretty well in 2006. But again...that was before I gave a damn.

Bonus: I got to hang out with the pretty PR girl before the game. I made her giggle. I'm a funny guy.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Now, I'm not a sore loser...

A few months back (actually a few more than that), I slapped together a submission for some silly YouTube contest for Tide. I went out, shelled out $3 for the Tide product in question, came home and shot, edited, and posted my video in about 2 hours. Sure, there were reshoots, but it was before the submission deadline, so don't worry.

As the contest neared its conclusion, I checked out a few of the other submissions. Horrid. Really...not a good one in the bunch. The ones with nice production values had shit acting and writing. The ones with decent acting and passable writing had shit production values. Now, bear in mind that I spent a total of $3 on my video. The lighting was decent. The audio was audible. The acting was par at best. The premise was clever. Nothing original...but nothing unoriginal either. The contest rules stated that you didn't need to use the original stain voice. The contest rules stated that you could make up your own premise. I did both.

I lost. By a lot. At least 10 people beat me. So whatever, right? I do on to fight another day. I really didn't give a shit about the contest anyway, I was just bored one Sunday afternoon. My friends seem to think my video was funny, so cool, I'm happy with that.

But then I saw the winner. It aired during The Office last night. I almost threw up. Not because I wished it was MY video playing during the commercials (shit son, I've got commercials playing on TV all day everyday), its just the winning video was SO F-ING BAD, it made me lose my appetite (and being on a diet these days, its quite a vicious appetite).

So for shits, here's the winning video...followed by my submission. I won't quit my day job...because its the same damn thing.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Top Simpsons Bullshit Wrapup

So, I'm not going to officially write up my remaining top 3 Simpsons episodes, but here they are, truncated, for your reading pleasure:

Who Shot Mr. Burns (Parts 1 & 2)

Moment #3
"Where's Ranger McFadden?"
"I was happy to see all these people..."
"Quiet you drunk. Where's Ranger McFadden?"

Lisa's Rival
Moment #2
"We the Purple? What the hell was that?"

Itchy & Scratchy Land
(yep, it was going to be Bart Sells His Soul, but upon further review, I had to go with this one)

Moment #1
"And here come the pretzels!"
"Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field pleading with the crowd for... for some kind of sanity."
"Uh-oh, and a barrage of pretzels now knocking Whitey unconscious."
"Wow. This is uh... This is a black day for baseball."

Friday, April 4, 2008

Top Simpsons #4

Episode 2F05, original airdate 11/13/94
"Lisa on Ice"

This classic might not be higher on the list simply because of the fact that this is Deric's favorite episode of all time...and we know how I need to be original...even to the point of the Simpsons. Yes, I'm an idiot. But let's not dwell on that...let's dwell on this great episode...and my new love of ellipses...

"Now, here's your Action anchor: Kent Brockman."
"HELLO, I'M KENT BROCKMAN!!! Our top story tonight: a tremendous EXPLOSION...inthepriceoflumber. President Reagan dyes..........his hair. Plus, Garry Trudeau and his new musical comedy revue. But first! Let's check the death count from the killer storm bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow."
"Well, Kent, as of now the death count is zero. But it IS ready to shoot right up."
"Oh my God. Damn you snow!"

Like my #5 pick, this is a true Simpson's one-off story that never comes back to merrily haunt us in the future (unlike Lisa the Vegetarian). The Simpsons kids playing hockey? Absolute randomness that pays off in comedy spades.

"Me fail English? That's unpossible."

This episode has so many instant classic moments that I remember busting my proverbial gut to when I first saw it all those years ago. This came out in 1994...and is still funny today. And THAT is the definition of classic, my friends.

I'm sure another universal aspect of this ep has to do with Homer (once again, after Dead Putting Society in season 2) being the overbearing, horrible sports father (I'm sure there's a better phrase for that). While South Park may have taken the cake with this stereotypical, albeit quite true to life, portrayal of an overbearing father...

...but I think the scene of the Simpson family riding in the car on the way to Bart's hockey game is a groundbreaking one in the overall development of the humor and bite of the Simpsons writing. Homer tells Bart to remember to just have fun out there today..."but if you lose, I'll KILL YOU." And everybody laughs. But before the scene ends, Homer reminds Bart that he really isn't kidding...and Bart knows it. Terrifying stuff that happens everyday with real fathers & sons, but mined for comedy here...and absolutely golden.

"Well boy, you won. So I'm going to live up to my side of the's your turtle...alive and well."

I can't imagine just how much fun it is to write for Homer. The gag with the pie is among one of his best. He's got so many great lines in this episode, it's ridiculous. And it's not just all stupid moments...he treads the line between idiocy and just flat-out horrible parent...and it's just great. An amazing bit of writing when you can make a character so despicable and endearing at the same time.

And this gag is one of my all-time favorites...but I don't have to tell you that...because, well, it's on the list, isn't it?

"All right, I'm going to make a little deal with you mugs. I'm going to let you all out to see my team play the hockey game IF you promise to return to your cells."
"Sorry, pig, we can't make that promise."
"All right...all right, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back,, BUT you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, OK?"
"I'll take that as a yes."

So, not to repeat myself...but I will anyway...just a classic episode all around. Pretty much every joke is a winner, it has a happy ending...everything a classic Simpsons episode has. Well done, #4, well done.


Now, "The PTA Disbands!" used to be my favorite episode, simply for the fact that it has two of my favorite jokes in Simpsons history. Upon reviewing the episode, overall it just didn't do it for me to make the top 5, but these two gags are simply amazing:

"Um, Skinner says the teacher's are going to crack any second purple monkey dishwasher."

A great whisper-down-the-lane joke, but the key to it lies in the words they choose to put at the end. For some reason the combination of purple, monkey, and dishwasher, and Hank Azaria's impeccable delivery, just hit all the right notes. I don't know...I feel this joke might be a bit underappreciated, especially when they beat it into the ground with Edna K.'s next line "especially with that purple monkey dishwasher comment." But as we all know, I love the stuff that slips through the cracks the most.

And the other one is just...I don't know...100% Simpsons:

"The PTA is disbanding?! Ahhh!!!"
[guy jumps out window]
"No! The PTA is NOT disbanding!"
[guy leaps back into room through broken window, dusts himself off, and sits down happily, like nothing happened]


See you soon w/ #3!!!!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Top Simpsons #5

Well, a little late in getting this out, but here we go. I promised you one a day, and since that ain't happening, we'll do 2 today and 2 tomorrow...with the big finale on Friday.

So making this list has had me doing a great deal of Simpsons introspection. Some of the results surprised me. Some didn't, in a good way. But every episode & moment on this top 5 list is an absolute classic, so let's get this party started.

To both minimize & maximize anticipation of the final 5, here are my favorite episodes that DIDN'T make the list (in no particular order):

Homer vs. the City of New York
Mountain of Madness
Itchy & Scratchy Land
Lemon of Troy
Marge on the Lam
Flaming Moe's
Homer at the Bat
Lisa the Vegetarian
Krusty Gets Kancelled
Last Exit to Springfield

Last Exit to Springfield just might be the greatest Simpsons episode ever put together, and leaving that and Homer v. the City of New York off my final 5 was truly heartbreaking. This was a hard list to put together, almost impossible, but I did. So...coming in at #5:

Episode 3F23, original airdate November 3, 1996
"You Only Move Twice"

"Can't a guy walk down the street in this country without being offered a job?!"

I contemplated reviewing each episode on the list with just quotes from each, but alas, not. I'll just pepper each review with my favorites.

"So long, stinktown!"

Perhaps Albert Brooks's greatest of all his guest performances is that of Hank Scorpio. Homer takes a job with Globex Corporation and the rest is history.

"Ever see a guy say goodbye to a shoe?"
"Yes, once."

This episode was written by the great John Schwartzwelder, who has probably written all the greatest, if not funniest, Simpsons episodes ever. The Simpsons has had plenty of amazing runs, but this episode contains one, if not the best, between Scorpio & Homer:

"Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?"
"Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks."
"Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut...that's on third."
"There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There?"
"That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
"Oh, the hammock district."
"That's right."

Now, I know when you break a joke down, it becomes less funny...but the fact that Homer, needing "business hammocks," knows the whole time that there's a "hammock district" in town...a town he's lived in for less than a week...and that he still feels the need to ask Scorpio about just pure genius. I will never stop laughing at this scene.

There's another great scene that gets cut in the syndicated version of the episode that is just fantastic. It doesn't really translate when I write it out, but here you go anyway: Bart's been placed in the remedial class and he's depressed after realizing what's he's gotten himself into. In the syndicated version, the scene ends with him sitting at his desk all sad. The cut scene involves one of the kids coming up behind him and comforting him...slowly patting him on the back. But the pats quickly become harder and more rapid, until the kid just slaps Bart as hard as he can on the back and gets yelled at by the teacher. An amazing bit that had slipped through the cracks until I got the DVD.

On the commentary track, they talk about how Albert Brooks does a lot of improvising. Who knows which lines were scripted and which were improvised, but there are just too many to pick a this list in a way.

" have any sugar around here?"
"Sugar? Sure."
[Scorpio fumbles in his pockets, takes out a few handfuls of sugar]
"Here you go...sorry it's not in packages."

The b-story of Bart, Lisa & Marge not having the great time Homer is in this new town may not be the most compelling, but Homer's side of it make up for them in spades. Project Arcturus...the Denver Broncos...Homer getting "Mr. Bont" killed...the weather machine & germ warfare divisions...all amazing. So kudos to "You Only Move Twice"....coming in strong at #5.


So after each of the top 5, I'll also be posting some of my favorite moments from episodes that didn't make the top of the heap. Here's batch number 5, from Itchy & Scratchy Land:

"We're now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy Land: the amusement park of the future where nothing can possiblye go wrong."
[Everyone looks worried.]
"Er...possiBLY go wrong. Heh...that's the first thing that's ever gone wrong."

"There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned about violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem so that we may educate as well as horrify."
"When do you show the consequences? On TV that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next scene the cat was breathing comfortably."
"Just like in real life."
"Hey, look over there!"
[family does so, he takes off quickly]

"Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
"Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate."
"No. Come along, Bort."
"Are you talking to me?"
"No, my son is also named Bort."

[as the bird sancutary is in chaos, Hans Moleman in the telephone booth making a call]
"I'll take the largest seed bell you have."
"No, that's too big."

"Dad, the flash must have scrambled their circuits."
"What are you, the narrator?"

"As Roger Meyers Jr., the owner of the park, I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots. And to show my appreciation, here are two free passes.
"But there are five of us."
"Here are two free passes!"
"That's better."

Man, I just gotta say that Itchy & Scratchy Land definitely comes in at a close 6th. Geez, what a classic.

Stay tune for pick #4...coming your way in a few hours. Oh, you know the anticipation is killing you...because I just assume all of you read my blog in real time. M'yes...

Friday, March 14, 2008

Money. Uncomfortable yet?

Money grows on trees. Because it comes from paper, dummy. And America's money factories churn out about 6 million dollars a day.
Yet I can't pay my rent this month (my landlord just came over to yell at me, then subsequently give me a pep talk), my phone has been turned off, and my cable and electric bills are both over $300 dollars each. What the fuck gives?

I've never been working harder in my life. Am I working on the wrong projects? Some of them, sure, probably. But some of those no-pay projects got me a freelance gig thanks to my posting them on YouTube. And a lot of those silly videos ended up on my editors effects reel, which helped get me my fulltime gig that I started this week. But my bank account is holding at $9 right now.
I've made some stupid mistakes too:
-Went to AC and gambled away $200
-Let a client pay me with a PS3 instead of a check
-Assumed my fulltime gig was starting a week before it actually did
So basically, I'm a week of money-wise, but it was the first week of the month, when all my bills need to get paid, and that didn't happen. Come to think of it, it didn't happen in February, either. So how come everytime I come into a little bit of cash, it immediately disappears? I don't do drugs. I don't go out drinking a lot. I don't smoke, so I don't need to buy cigarettes. I don't have a car, so I don't need to pay for gas or car insurance. My rent is a ridiculously low $785 a month (for a one-bedroom NYC apartment). I don't buy new clothes. All my gadgets and gizmos in my apartment are on credit cards. Where the fuck is my money going?
Well, that's not a hard answer: I don't get paid enough. I spent 2 1/2 years at a job not getting paid enough. I work freelance gigs where I don't get paid enough. I do jobs for my friends for free. Out of everybody that I know, I make the least amount of money. Not by much, but I also factor in that ALL OF MY FRIENDS, yes that's right all of them, own cars. How the fuck is this possible? I try to do the math in my head and it just doesn't work out.
I beg, borrow, and steal more than anybody. It makes me feel 2 inches tall. It makes me feel like complete shit. If I had a nickel for everytime I said "I'm a little light on cash this week," I would never have to utter that phrase again. It sucks. And talking about it sucks. I hate it. I grew up with little money and now I'm an adult with little money.
I'll know in 2 weeks, when the first fulltime gig check comes in, whether all of this will change for the better. I don't want to be rich, I just want to be comfortable. I want to be able to work on my own projects and not have to worry about whether or not I can eat dinner that night. Whether or not I can afford my medication. Whether or not I can pay rent, wash my clothes, afford a metrocard to I can get back and forth in the city...
I want to make money so I don't have to worry about it. I want to pick up the tab. I want to be able to fucking pay back CJ after 4 years. I don't want clients to ask me why there's a message on my phone saying its been disconnected. I don't want friends to ask me if I need to borrow money. I don't want relationships to end because of money. I don't want to have to eat off the fucking Burger King dollar menu.
Hopefully, we'll all look back on this one day and laugh while we're lighting our cigars with $100 bills.

Friday, February 29, 2008


The Interview of the Century
The Rise of Playboy, Jet-Setter and Occasional Movie Villain
Greg Collins

For our newest feature at SepNat, "Interviews is Natural," the decision of who the inaugural interview would be wasn't too complicated or lengthy. Honestly, this feature was created BECAUSE we wanted to interview this man. He is Greg Collins. Don't let the first question throw you, we know exactly who he is and why we should be interviewing him. And so will you, you know, if you read this, obviously. So please sit back, relax, and enjoy this intimate conversation with this dashing young go-getter I like to call...Greg Collins.

SepNat: Who are you and why the hell should I be interviewing you?

Greg Collins: I am the greatest thing that ever walked the face of the earth. That pretty much sums up why you should be interviewing me.

SepNat: Nice. So, when you’re talking to a girl at a bar, and she asks you what you do for a living, what is your reply?

GC: When I am at a bar, having a pleasant discussion with a lady, there is nothing duller than talking about work. It just sounds like your bragging if you do that, even if you hate your job. I like to keep the convo strictly fun, funny, and insightful. I'm in the business of simply having a lot of fun. Furthermore, there is little else that is duller than talking about your own job when you're supposed to be enjoying yourself at a bar. Further-furthermore, if a girl does ask this question, I think it is a bad sign. It means the normal flow of a fun conversation is waning. Questions like that should be reserved for date-seshes, "dates" for the layman. However, let's say the topic of work did come up and a girl asked me what I do for a living. I would probably just answer her truthfully, "I design books."

SepNat: Jobs and girls aside (for now), what are your immediate life plans for 2008?

GC: Build even stronger relationships with my friends. Get on my bike much more often. Create more songs under the Push title. Do SOMETHING with DJing. Go to Ireland. Design more freelance projects. Start Illustrating again. Develop my own children's books, cartoon, graphic novel, or...something else. Compile all the art I've done throughout my life and design it as one hardbound volume.

SepNat: Ambitious, I love it. I’d like to focus on two aspects of Greg Collins that intrigue me: The Push and your illustrations. First, The Push. Word on the street is that there is new Push music on the horizon. Can you confirm or deny these rumors?

GC: New Push tracks are on the horizon. Don't expect any in the next months. But who knows. This year for sure. It's been far too long without Push music. The more I listen to so-called electronic music the more I realize that most of it lacks a melody. Blips, bleeps, and beats don't just make a song. You gotta have melody. Or at least ambiance. The Push is all about ambiance and melody in 2008. New sounds, new beats, new effects, new synths. It should be fun. And it won't be like the previous Push, where 1 album is made in 1 week. I'll take it a bit slower in the hopes of nailing down great music.

SepNat: I know this is early, but do you have any song titles in mind yet?

GC: The title track: Mach XII in the 4th Dimension, and: Everything But Earth. These aren't final but are knocking about in my head.

SepNat: Lovely. I dig them. The anticipation of hearing new Push tracks will be rough, but I think I’ll manage, just barely. Now, onto illustrating. This is an aspect of Greg Collins that I’m not as familiar. You mention you’d like to possibly work on an original graphic novel. Would you like to write one, or just illustrate one? Personally, I’ve got an original idea that I need an illustrator for, but that’s besides the point, at least for this interview. Tell me a little about you and illustrating, whatever comes to mind.

GC: I have not drawn anything since high school. I doodle a lot, but as for an actual drawing, no. I've drawn for my whole life. Used to do so for hours when I was a little guy. I haven't in recent years, when I should be developing skills. I don't trust my own talent yet as an illustrator to trust myself with your graphic novel. As for my graphic novel ideas, I have no problem screwing them up with bad illustrations. I love illustrations that deliberately shy away from accurately depicting reality. I love drawings done by children. Abstraction comes naturally to them but for us "adults" we have to force ourselves to draw abstraction. I think everyone can draw, and I think we all should. Especially those of us who utter self-deprecating comments like "I can't draw." I think the people who "don't" or "can't" draw have the most interesting illustrations because they have their own style, their own hand, in their art. I'd much rather watch my brother, who has an amazing and unique style that I have never ever seen before anywhere, draw a specific scene than witness a class of people who have been instructed on "how to draw correctly" illustrate the same scene.

SepNat: What type of freelance gigs are you looking to book? Something with illustrating, maybe to ignite those dormant fires?

GC: Sure yeah. Although I have no portfolio for illustrations at the moment. But I would love to do some freelance work designing a book, something very graphic, fun, and different. I'm not nearly as confident with illustration as I am with design. I will need to begin developing it on my own before I take it to a professional level. I'm not talking about comic book characters either. I like mood in my illustrations. Simple and abstract. Artsy-fartsy, if you will. Or maybe something cartoonish. I can do that very well.

SepNat: What types of books, comic or other, are you currently into? I’m a big fan of Scud: The Disposable Assassin, which I think you would dig. Any titles you could recommend?

GC: You know, I never used to like to read. Well, I guess I loved it as a little guy. But only since I've been working in publishing have I fallen in love with books again. For over the past year I have been reading novels mostly of 19th century Russia. I love the time period, the country, and their writers. Tolstoy is my favorite. But the more I read Dostoevsky...well, the more he may surpass Tolstoy as my favorite author.

I have read Anna Karenina and War and Peace, both by Tolstoy (translated by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky). Anna Karenina is outstanding. I highly recommend it. War and Peace is the best book I have ever read. Really, it is long, but finishing is worth it. It truly is a masterpiece, Brett. It has surely earned all the acclaim as greatest novel ever written. More recently, I have read The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky. I actually really like this one. A bit heavy at times, but amazing. I also read Dostoevsky's Notes from Underground, The Double, and The Gambler. I did not like The Double but The Gambler was interesting. Notes from Underground is a classic, certainly a great introduction to Dostoevsky as it is short in length. I am currently reading A Hero of Our Time by Lermontov, another Russian bloke. Just started it today. Love it so far.

I recently finished reading Tolstoy’s The Kreutzer Sonata. Great book! He masterly writes beautiful romances in most of his novels with eloquence and real emotion. The Kruetzer Sonata is based off his own failed marriage with his actual wife. Ironic how he could write some of the most memorable romances in all of literature but his own was nothing but torment for him. I won't tell you the end but it is shocking. Not the usual Tolstoy. I read that he was inspired by and drew upon his own marriage for this book. It is very short, about 120 pages, unlike all his other novels (which run from 800 to 1400 pages). It is good though.

I do enjoy more books than 19 century Russian works. I love Edgar Allan Poe. His novel, his only novel interestingly enough, The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket, is genius. The footnotes, appendices, and introduction explain why. But its a fun read and the overwhelming symbolism throughout make it important. I love his short stories too, although I have not read them all.

I love The Awakening by Kate Chopin, an American author. Very interesting.

I love buying books, I spend many lunch breaks traversing the aisles of Barnes&Nobles. I buy a lot of them too. More than I can read.

I recently read Clive Barker's new book, bought it off a whim and because the design impressed me. It was freaking horrible. It was the worst, stupidest, and most pointless piece of trash I have ever read. I will never read it again and I will never recommend it to anyone ever, certainly not people who I like.

I greatly enjoy comic books. I used to read Spawn a lot. Although I got tired of it because nothing ever really happened. I love the Venom mini-series line. However, I only REALLY love the first mini-series, Lethal Protector. I think it came out in '96 or so. Maybe '94. I'm reading this other books simply called BEASTS. Very graphically oriented without that much text. But it is very cool. I think you'd like it. There is this book called The Poison Diaries as well. I highly recommend that as an awesome read and as an amazing and creative way to make a book—everything is handwritten, all over the page. It is supposed to be the diary of a servant boy in 19 century England who dreams of poisoning his evil master. It's crazy. I do like graphic novels. There is a cool compilation graphic novel called Flight. A bunch of different artists create their own comics with a central theme of...can you guess...flying. Some are shite. But most are pretty cool. With a few being outstanding and emotional. I've also read Frank Miller's Batman stuff and his 300. Awesome.

You have been reading Scud for years now haven't you? If you could recommend more I would check them out.

SepNat: Lately, I’ve been hooked on Y: The Last Man. Its about a plague that kills every single organism with a Y chromosome, except a guy named Yorick and his pet monkey named Ampersand. It’s kick ass. Also just read we3, which was okay, and am always a big fan of The Goon. I’m very specific in what comics I read, for some reason. And although it’s not a comic, I really think you would dig World War Z. Have you read that one?

GC: I never read or heard of Y. I have heard of we3. Never read it though. I know about World War Z. I've seen people reading it too. I hear good things. No doubt it will be made into a movie. I will check out all of them. I'm always looking for new things to read.

SepNat: World War Z is awesome, I think it’s my favorite book. Here’s a good one: if you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?

(Greg takes some time to ponder this question...)

GC: Superpower...after much debate within my nervous synapses recommend I go with teleportation. And I limits on where I can go. Of course I teleport at my own risk since I could teleport to the core of the Sun and completely annihilate myself. That would be shitty. But it would be cool to think, "ok body, telelport me to another planet on which I could breathe without a problem." That would be cool. No only would teleportation be fun, but it would be so practical. The entire world would be like walking to my living room. "Want to go Paris? Ok, pack your bags, and wait here. I'm going to go check into the hotel and then come back and pick you up." Bam! We are there. Week long trips could become day trips. Imagine this too, "you going out tonight? Yes. Cool. Where do you want to go? Well, I know this awesome bar in London... All right let's go there!" We could bar-hop the world's greatest bars.I could do anything. I could be the best assassin for the US government. A great solider, if I wanted to go down that road...which I don't. Still, interesting to think about.

Clearly, I could get up at 9am and instantly be at work. And not only would the commute time be split seconds, but zero emissions on travel. So, good for the environment. Also, anything that I could carry can teleport with me. I simply have to touch it with my bare hands. I say "anything I could carry" instead of "anything I touch" because I don't want to teleport a building with me somewhere...or teleport the Earth if I am standing barefoot.

It was between this and flying, in a superman fashion. Flying, I would imagine, would take an enormous amount of energy. I imagine it would be comparable to running. So I would not really be able to fly across the world. Plus, flying would be fun and that's pretty much it. I wouldn't have super strength so I wouldn't really be able to fly with heavy luggage. Because I think the faster I fly, while carrying a lot of luggage, the heavier the luggage will get. If you don't understand this, than read up on the theory of relativity. Teleportation, much more practical.

Plus, if I wanted to experience the thrill of flying, all I would have to do is teleport to say 10,000 feet high, freefall for a couple thousand feet and teleport back to the ground. However, now that I think about it that may not be possible because I think right after I teleport I think I would still carry the same momentum. So instead of freefalling for so long, I would just free fall for about 10 feet. At that height, 10 feet would still be exciting.

"What do you want to do this weekend? How about Friday night we go see a show in Japan. Saturday, lets hike the Andes. And Sunday, how about we go for a run in Italy...or we could go check out the Australian Outback. Sound good?"It does to me. Gimme teleportation.

SepNat: Great answer. I don’t think I want to try and top that, so let’s wrap this up. Anything you’d like to personally recommend to the world before we conclude this interview? Wishes, fears, hopes, dreams, final thoughts?

GC: Originally I had intended to answer you with some sort of epic moral commandment that we all could live by--too generic, lame, and predicable. Then I thought I would try to wrap things up with some deadpan humor--even more lame and predictable. Finally I think instead, I'll keep my answers simple and to the point (even though your final questions are short but complicated final questions). I'll try to be brief...

MUSIC: (I wouldn't recommend these if I didn't feel so strongly about them)
Hot Chip--most creative electronic music ive ever heard. Check out Ready for the Floor, Over and Over, and One Pure Thought. If you like this shit, check out the rest of the albums.

Vampire Weekend--clearly, you may already know about this shit. simple, lovely, and very catchy. fun too!

MGMT--dude...these blokes are unreal!! psychedelic, epic, melodic, electronic music. real intruments are used as well. Try "Time to Pretend." Amazing. My new fav band.

The Knife, The Changes, The Postmarks, St. Vincent, Au Revoir Simone, Annuals, The Raveonettes, Bell X1 -- all fantastic creative bands.

My dream....or someday be a very successful graphic artist--one who doesn't just design books. I want to make "Art", you know what I mean. I have a lot to say. I think what I have to say matters. Would be great to work for a design firm or something.

Other get a saturday night spot DJing in a club.

Other create a good album of electronic music. Professionally. Would be a mixture of different types of styles. Most of all it would (need to) be fun and at the same emotional. (I think all good music draws on some sort of emotion. "Emotion", to me, isn't just the 'wussy' feelings.

Final dream: to know all that there is to know about the universe, astronomy, and cosmology. You know; parallel universes; intelligent life in the universe; time travel (cause time is relative--which is amazing); our solar system; what its like inside the sun or on the surface. i want to know it all. ....oh, and i guess id like to know, for sure, if there is an afterlife. that would free up a lot of grief.

Definitely that my friends, family, and I stay healthy, safe, and happy. I don't think that that is too much to ask.

Dying young; friends/family dying young; becoming boring; being lonely by the time I'm 40; having some sort of freak accident that changes my life because I can't see, walk, or something like that. Actually, I think this may be my number 1 fear. Or maybe, this is it: waking up one morning and realizing I've accomplished nothing in my life. Wait...this won't happen because it's just a choice I make...but would be terrible. Yeah, so I guess that's not a fear. This is hard. I think I fear that I watch too much TV. Anyone would wants to actually DO SOMETHING FUN after work let me know. I'm sick of TV.

Actually, this is a real fear: that my imagination will dwindle and fade. I'd be hard pressed to try to find something greater than a good imagination.

This was fun. It forced me to think critically about myself. I guess. I took it as a joke in the beginning. But after a while I found myself taking it seriously. I enjoyed this because I like to ponder about all this nonsense; ask questions (almost to the point of utter annoyance to the person whom I am asking) because even when I am given an 'answer', I have a hard time merely accepting it as fact; and analyze things from more than one angle. Where I am going with this I don't quite know. I'll leave you with a quote I love and which I think is appropriate:

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." --Albert Einstein

All this was nice. Thanks for the interviewing me.

SepNat: Thanks for being our first.

Greg & SepNat Recommend:
Y: The Last Man Brian K. Vaughn & Pia Guerra
The Goon Eric Powell
War & Peace Leo Tolstoy
Anna Karenina Leo Tolstoy
Vampire Weekend (self titled)

Sunday, February 24, 2008


This is fantastic.

Friday, February 1, 2008


So I've gone and made myself unemployed. Don't worry, the title of this entry isn't me being pessimistic, it's just a delightful nod to a groovy little PJ song.

So I'm starting Day 3 of being a full time freelancer, and while I'm not panicking yet because I don't have another solid gig booked as such, I am a little frustrated that I'm probably going to have to edit bullshit news to pay the bills over the next few months. Blurgh.

I know I shouldn't, and I agree with everyone when they tell me I shouldn't, but I just keep going back to high school & college and the fact that I didn't apply myself enough towards the things I want to do right now. Too much time submitting to my ADD. Too much time chasing around that fucking blonde girl (but that did pay off...and it also did not pay off 5 years later god damn it). Too much time not realizing the big picture. So now that I'm firmly residing inside the big picture, and recognize what this big picture is all about, I fucking wish I would have done more to be better at what I do now back then. Writing. Editing. Shooting. Networking. Learn web development. Learn still photography. Shoot more original videos. Fuck fuck fuck. I was a kid who didn't know shit and I got a job at a bullshit company for 2 1/2 years which hasn't qualified me for the things I want to do right now.

Okay, enough of the pity party. I'm still confident I'll find something good in the next few days. I'm going to spend the rest of today searching for more work, probably watch John August's The Nines (starring by beard boy Ryan Reynolds), write some lyrics for Redbirds songs (including If You'll Be Kind, the new/old/fucking awesome one), and tonight do some Stickboying. I've got a new angle to throw into the works with Stickboy, so that should be refreshing. Plus, its raining outside, so why not have an indoors day?

But I still need to blow off some steam right now. Okay...

Since when has it become socially acceptable to trim your fucking fingernails in public?

Seriously, everytime I ride the fucking train, there's always somebody clip-clip-clipping away at their nails. On the platform. In the car. You know the sound. It isn't a sound that muffles. And it doesn't lend itself to interpretation. You know exactly what that sound is coming from, and it's fucking gross.

Yesterday, a guy was clipping away on the platform at Buhre Ave. Over the side of the elevated platform. Which means some poor bastard probably got some trimmings in their hair. Really? Discarded fingernails have become another hazard for streewalking? Unreal.

Clip your fucking fingernails at home. Do it while you watch So You Think You Can Dance? Do it after you shave that hair off your lip. Do it while you make oatmeal, you sloppy, disgusting asshole. Just stop doing it in front of me when I'm in public. Fingernail clipping is an activity that needs to stay inside your house. If I saw a homeless person doing it, I'd let it slide. When I saw a homeless woman take a shit on the platform of the D at Fordham Road a few years ago, I let it slide. But you? You're better than that. Please be better than that.

Okay, steam blown. I feel a little better.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Brett Goes to Sundance

So I went to Sundance over the weekend. Not for movies, unfortunately, but on a freelance gig where I basically had to stand around with a microphone all day at some silly party. But I did have a chance to do a loop through the festivities and here's what I thought:

1 - I'm not moving to Hollywood anytime soon. Seriously, the douchebagery ran DEEP on the streets of Park City. Hollywood is the polar opposite of New York City, and I don't think I could enjoy myself there. Everybody stares at you, silently judging, but also looking to leech off you if you are something worth sucking the blood from.

2 - God, there were a lot of hot girls, but most of them wore too much makeup. And had absolutely NOTHING going on upstairs.

3 - If you have a publicist, even if you aren't famous, you can get in anywhere and make anyone sleep with you.

4 - Ian Ziering never has to work again. He will live off swag the rest of his life. And how.

5 - If you stop on the street for more than 5 seconds, people will crowd around, assuming you're waiting for someone. If I had been in Park City for more than a few hours, I would have tested this theory.

6 - Nate Skiles is a really nice guy. I would have loved to have been able to stick around for the George Stanford show that night.

7 - Shar Jackson is pretty cute. But on the downside, she's bore 2 of K-Fed's children.

8 - Bono spilled red wine on the carpets we were there to shoot. I missed Bono by a few hours.

9 - God, I love New York City.

10 - Vinny Chase will always be Vinny Chase, no matter how many other projects he does.

11 - Regular people are more fun to be around than famous people.

12 - Sundance is really just an overcrowded street in Utah, and not too impressive.

13 - Next time I'm at Sundance, it will be to either play music or screen my film. And take home lots of swag.

14 - Celebrities are scared, lonely little creatures who constantly need people to tell them they are good.

15 - And as always: desperation is a stinky cologne.

But probably the best part was that I got to see Esther!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

The Brett Show

I didn't see him at the party, but apparently this Bert Hoss fellow took some video and made a trailer for the upcoming 2008 season of the Brett Show. Weird.